I've maintained an actual diary for quite some time, but I eventually stopped writing entries in it. Later on, I took to making online journals instead. When asked why, I suppose my asnwer would be that I like making layouts. I love working with Adobe Photoshop. (It's nothing to do with privacy because for me, an online blog would be just as accessible as an actual diary because I rarely make entires private.) I love encoding HTML and CSS too (although MindSay won't allow me to customize my scrollbar colors, link appearances, et cetera . . . but that's alright, I suppose). Making layouts and encoding them isn't something I can do with a diary, obviously, and I guess that's why I always find myself coming back to the Internet to start yet another blog.

Anyway, moving on . . . Neil Gaiman's going to be in the Philippines from July 9 - 11! :D I must see him. The thing is, I heard from a friend that you have to buy either two books or one graphic novel from the bookstore where he's going to have his signings to be able to have something signed by him. *sigh* I suppose it's a good thing that I haven't collected all of his works . . . I'll probably buy American Gods (it's my favorite novel of his, I think) and either Good Omens or Stardust. I wanted to have my copy of The Wolves in the Walls signed, though.

According to his blog, his schedule here is going to be as follows:
JULY 9, Saturday: Doors to "The Gathering" at the Rockwell Tent will open at 3:00pm
JULY 10, Sunday: A Reading and Book Signing at Fully Booked Promenade Greenhills (opening July 8, 2005) will start at 2:00pm
JULY 11, Monday: A Press Conference (by invitation) and the British Council Writers' Forum at the Music Musuem will be from 1:30-3:00pm; a Reading and Book Signing at Fully Booked Gateway Mall will start at 4:30pm; Winners Dinner (Raffle and Art Competition winners) at 7:00 P.M.

I have to clear my schedule to make sure that I get to see him. . . .

Looks like July's going to be a good month for literature lovers here in my country . . . Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is coming out, too. I'm very excited. :)

I would rave about a few other things (like Ringo Starr, who is my new obsession :D ♥!), but I suppose that I'll save that for another entry. . . .

Peace and Love! (Hee.)

Well, I had a good day today. It was the Philippines' Independence Day yesterday, but today was declared a holiday as well. My mother and I went to the movies together and watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith. I found it very amusing, and the action was good, and the unexpected twist in the plot in the near-end made it a much better experience. While I was never a fan of Angelina Jolie, I found that she looked stunning in the movie. Brad Pitt looked good, as per usual, although I never really found him all that hot. I must admit that he looked humorously attractive in white cotton boxers. :D I saw the trailer of The Island . . . surprisingly enough, I think that I want to watch it, despite the fact that that's not usually my kind of movie.

Afterwards, I went to Tower Records to see if Ringo's new album was out over there (more on that later) but it wasn't, so I contented myself with buying two of The Beatles' CD's. :D Their music in the early to mid-sixties is most appealing to me. I think that my favorite songs of theirs are (currently) I Want to Hold Your Hand, Twist and Shout, You're Going to Lose That Girl, Help!, and We Can Work It Out. I also enjoy Paperback Writer . . . and actually, I think that The Darkness would do a great cover of that song. *g*

There at Tower Records, I also bought tickets to Engelbert Humperdinck's concert this June 24th! :D I'm really excited to see that. I'll be going with my mum and dad, which is only fitting, as he's a singer of their generation after all.

Yes, you may have surmised that I like the oldies. *g*

I have to save up for so many things, damn it . . . I have to save money for another CD of The Beatles' that I want to buy, and for the two books/one graphic novel I mentioned in my last post. Also, I have to buy Postcards from the Boys and Choose Love, Ringo Starr's new book and new album respectively.

RINGO STARR! *whimpers*

Ahem.

Lately I've been listening to nothing but old music, particularly songs from the 60's and the 80's. *g* It's making me sentimental. I've been listening to stuff by The Beatles (as I've mentioned previously), Cliff Richard (The Young Ones, Summer Holiday, Just Don't Have the Heart . . .) . . . and What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner, (Pride) In the Name of Love by U2, Africa by Toto . . . stuff like that.

Moving on from music . . . college starts in two days, and I don't know what to feel . . . I'm nervous, eager, and indifferent all at once. Strange. Ah, well.

That's all I've to say, so . . . goodbye. :)

Today was, in contrast to yesterday, a rather uneventful day. I spent half the day seated in front of my PC, surfing the Internet, and the other half playing Chrono Cross on my old PlayStation I. One could say that I was simply enjoying my last day of vacation before my first foray into the scary world of college . . . but seriously, if I had the chance to enjoy and to truly savor the last of my summer break, I would've gone out dancing, drinking, flirting, and generally making a fool of myself with my friends from high school. :D

I am nervous about tomorrow, but if the rest of my batchmates were able to survive their first days, so will I. (The rest of my batchmates going to other universities have started their classes already weeks ago.)

*sigh*

Right, just keep telling yourself that . . .

Anyway.

Just a little something to cheer me up . . . I found the note that I sent to Neil Gaiman some two years ago which he answered on his blog. Yeah! :D

Hello Neil. :) How are you now? How's your throat? (Those two questions are my excuses for writing you a little note, since "submit a question" is written above this text box. I've always been a fan of your works, but I was too shy 'til now to send you something.) But really. I hope that you're doing alright. I can relate to your pain; I have tonsillitis myself, and my throat feels like it's been rubbed raw by a pinecone.

I really do hope you get better. It's horrid to undergo that sort of thing.

Best wishes,
Victoria

I'm getting better, thanks. Still spending most of the time asleep. Had solid food yesterday, which made a happy change from chicken soup. Taking it very very easy on myself currently, which is a good thing, and was necessary. Sometimes your body tells you it's time to rest. If you ignore it, then sometimes your body whacks you over the back of the head with a hefty iron crowbar, kicks your feet from under you and then, while you're lying on the floor in agony, gets in really close and shouts "Now will you listen?" at you through a megaphone.

So I'm listening.

:D

I really, really want to remind him of me when he comes here, but I doubt that he'll remember the girl named Victoria who once wrote to him complaining of tonsillitis. *sigh* Oh, and I meant to write "horrid to have to undergo that sort of thing," but never mind that.

Here's the link to where the note is on his blog . . . it's there with the rest of his entries. :)

Oh, deviating from the topic . . . a thought came to me today. While I was analyzing the bands that I like (namely The Darkness, Queen, The Beatles, and The Offspring, to name a few), I realized that there was/is usually one person from the band that I really like. From The Darkness, I was salivating over Justin Hawkins for a time (and still believe that he is hot). From Queen, I've always had a thing for Roger Taylor (when he was younger). From The Beatles, well . . . I think I've established my newfound love for Ringo Starr already, so yeah. And from The Offspring, I used to have a huge crush on Dexter Holland. (Wow, two lead guitarists/vocalists and two drummers.) This realization made me wonder if I liked their music for their music or because I liked one of them (if you know what I mean), and I am greatly relieved to note that I fell in love with their music first before their looks. I mean, I heard and liked Queen's music and The Beatles' music before I saw the musicians, so I think that I can claim that I fell in love with their sound and not their appearances. As for The Darkness and The Offspring, I kept on seeing their videos and hearing their music before gradually falling in love with one of the band members, so I think that I can make the same conclusion.

And this conclusion actually leads me to yet another conclusion: I fall in love with talented people. Yet another example to establish this fact is the j-rocker Gackt. I heard his song Kimi no Tameni Dekiru Koto and fell in love with it, only falling in love with him afterwards. And there's more! Vanness Wu from F4. I saw him several times on TV without minding him . . . then, when I heard one of his songs (called Psychological Test), I fell for him.

This makes me happy with myself. :) At least I know that looks aren't everything for me (though of course they are something to consider).

Alright, enough rambling for now.

Damn, I've just reminded myself that I'm going to college tomorrow.

*sigh*

I guess it's always difficult to dive into something new, particularly something like college.

I guess I shouldn't have expected much, but I can't help but feel just a bit sad when I see my blockmates speaking to one another while I sit in silence, occasionally sending SMS messages to my friends from high school and seeking solace in their brief but extremely meaningful replies.

I won't say that I had no one to talk to; in fact, I was able to speak to a number of very nice people . . . but the fact that these people have already established their barkadas or cliques makes me the odd one out, if you know what I mean.

I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine from high school who now goes to the same university as myself and is taking the same course, but I asked her if she had already received offers from other people to lunch, and she said yes, while I hadn't.

Most of the time, while I seem confident and look as if I don't care whether or not I have company, I actually would very much like to have a friend to talk to. I guess I shouldn't rush having a barkada; I know that that'll come in time. . . .

But there's still this fear nagging at the back of my head: what if I become the loner until I get my baccalaureate?

*sigh*

I haven't been this insecure in a long, long time, and it's killing me. I'm really disliking myself for feeling this way.

I suppose that a part of it's my fault; I kept quiet and spoke only in intervals to people nearby. If I'd been a little bit more outgoing, I probably would've made more friends. But at the same time, I wish that someone had approached me as well. (People do, but only to say hi, and nothing more.)

The girl to my right actually moved away from me during the latter part of the day, leaving me alone, as there was the aisle on my other side. She probably didn't mean that in an offensive way, but nevertheless, I couldn't help but be affected (even though I knew that we weren't on the same wavelength, if you know what I mean).

I know that I'm not unpleasant; I think that I'm friendly enough . . . I suppose this little dilemma of mine is also brought about by the fact that I look rather mataray (haughty, elitist, snobbish . . . that sort of thing). But I'm not, really.

. . .

Why am I feeling bad about this?

I don't feel extremely bad, though . . . just disappointed in myself and in the events, actually.

Oh, well. I hope that this'll change soon.

Moving on . . . college is really different from high school. The word for it is "liberated." We have our cellphones in class (we weren't allowed those in high school); we can go out of the campus grounds during breaks. The atmosphere is really different, too.

We already have a reading assignment in Psychology. (One thing I like about my subjects is that they're tailor-made to fit my course--which is Nursing--meaning that I won't have to bother leaning stuff that's irrelevant to my course.) My book is called Psychology for Nurses and the Caring Professions. I like it; it's interesting.

Tomorrow, I have Chemistry the whole day. Huzzah.

I'm happy, but I'm not happy. Or I'm not happy but I'm happy. If that makes sense.

Please, Lord, make things better for me. . . .

Well, college has been getting better . . . I was able to chat with the people in my Chemistry group, and I'm happy about that . . . I also met this guy from a high school of the same category as mine before, so needless to say, we get along very well.

We had our campus tour yesterday . . . I love my school. Its history is so rich. It's been around since the 1600's, and it still has some of the original architecture and edifices from back then. It's a truly beautiful place. My group and I had fun walking around the place and making our usual side comments. :D I bet my tour guide thought I was a complete romantic . . . I "ooh"ed and "ahh"ed over Lovers' Lane and asked if it's possible to get married in the church of the school. XD I didn't mean to sound like such a romantic, though!

It was a great experience. I can only hope that it gets better.

Anyway . . . I feel like posting some quiz results. Huzzah! :D

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

(Yeah, I agree with what this quiz says about me. It's surprisingly very accurate.)

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

And now, a meme:

Place an "x" inside the box before the following statements if the statement applies to you.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I love Disney Movies.
[ ] I have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
[x] I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ring.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I bake well.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I get enough hugs.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I love to laugh.
[ ] I love show tunes.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[x] I have been in a play.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I have been out of this country.
[ ] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I can't stand my family.
[ ] I see a therapist.
[ ] I have seen a therapist.
[] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I can communicate in more than one language.
[x] I am comfortable with being me.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I have gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I saw a shooting star
[x] I had a serious surgery
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[ ] I have kissed a stranger/ they kissed me
[ ] Hugged a stranger
[ ] Been in a fist fight
[ ] Been arrested
[x] Walked around in the pouring rain
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] Made out in an elevator
[ ] Swore at your parents
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts
[ ] Been close to love
[x] Been to a casino
[ ] Been skydiving
[ ] Broken a bone
[ ] Skipped school
[x] Flashed someone
[x] Done the splits
[x] Played spin the bottle
[ ] Gotten stitches
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[x] Bitten someone
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Missed a member of the same sex
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car
[x] Been to Japan
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[ ] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired
[ ] Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[ ] Stole something from your job
[x] Gone on a blind date
[x] Lied to a friend
[ ] Celebrated mardigras in New Orleans
[x] Been to Europe
[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[ ] Had children
[ ] Saw someone dying
[ ] Been to Africa
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[ ] Been to Canada
[ ] Been to Mexico
[x] Been on a plane
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
[x] Eaten Sushi
[ ] Been snowboarding
[ ] Been Skiing
[ ] Met someone in person from the internet
[ ] Been to a motor cross show
[ ] Lost a child
[ ] Gone to college
[ ] Graduated college
[ ] Done hard drugs
[x] Taken painkillers
[ ] Had someone cheat on you
[x] Miss someone right now

So . . . I guess that's it for now. :)

Ooh, I've just thought of a new layout idea! I want a Starbucks/coffee bar sort of theme. :D Yay!

Looks like two friends of mine have just hooked up. I'm truly happy for them, and I wish them all the best. :) I let my female friend know that I'll be there for the two of them anytime they need help with anything. And I, of course, advised her to be careful, particularly in the clutches of passion. But I know that she's a very rational and smart person, and she can take care of herself, while this male friend of mine is a very responsible and caring person . . . I believe that they'll be fine. :)

This actually makes me think of my relationships with men. I'm actually, truly afraid to enter a commitment. Anything more than friendship with a guy makes me feel suffocated. I guess I'm not mature enough to handle a relationship . . . and thus, I'll be smart enough to remain single for now. I won't rush myself. The thing is, I really, really want to get kissed . . . I haven't had my first kiss . . . but at the same time, I don't want to, because a kiss to me is an unspoken declaration of love, and I can't handle that. I feel like if I kiss a guy, I'll have to enter some sort of relationship with him . . . which I can't handle. So now, I'm not kissing anybody, and I'm not letting myself get kissed, because I'm afraid to have that deeper connection. If only a kiss didn't mean so much . . . but it does mean a lot, and so, I'm making sure that my first kiss is with the right person.

*sigh*

At the rate my "commitmentphobia" is going, I'll never be kissed until I'm twenty eight or something. *snort*

But I can't let my school's Lovers' Lane go to waste . . . XD

Ah, well. I'll take it one step at a time.

Moving on, I was also able to talk to another one of my guy friends today (he was my date for our senior prom). It's always fun talking to him, and it was a refreshing break from my usual mundane activities. Lol.

Gah. School again tomorrow. Have to reread my Psychology book, damn it. Oh, well.

♥

Today was another interesting day in college . . . Yes, things are looking up, although there still remains to be this group of girls that I don't like . . . they directed a joke in ill taste towards me yesterday, and I just didn't mind . . . but I felt even angrier when they directed another offensive joke in the direction of a girl who was simply being more mature and open-minded than most people her age. I suppose my sort of comeuppance was when one of the crushes of one of the girls in the group said to them, "ang sama n'yo!" which is something like, "you're so evil!" and they were embarrassed.

However, putting that aside . . . I finally found some lunch buddies yesterday and today, thank God. I think I may be finding my crowd. That makes me happy. :) And these other guys started talking to me about The Da Vinci Code . . . anyone who truly knows me knows that I love books and I absolutely love literature, and so they tickled my fancy right away. There're lots of nice people in class, actually. They're very fascinating people from different backgrounds. I'm making this a very rich and meaningful experience for me in many ways, and I'm enjoying it too, despite its occasional downs.

Being mature for your age has its advantages and disadvantages . . . *sigh*

Anyway . . . We had Chemistry lecture and lab today, and I spent most of my time with my group mates cleaning test tubes with a test tube brush. You could only imagine the perverse jokes that came up during that event. *g*

One of my classmates had a fever today; I told him that he shouldn't have come to school, but he still did. I felt his cheek, and yes, he indeed was too warm. People shouldn't push themselves when they're sick, damn it. (Yes, I truly am a nurse/doctor in the making.)

There's just something that puzzles me. Guys seem to enjoy talking about sex to me (in both flirty and non-flirtatious ways). I don't understand it. Lol. Most of my guy friends share all their fantasies and sexual knowledge to me without my asking. Today, one guy just spoke to me of involuntary masturbation and lesbian love/sex on two separate occasions. *sigh* I guess they feel comfortable enough to be open around me, while I reserve that sort of talk for my closer female friends. Strange. Maybe men are just generally more open about sex than women are . . . but most of my other female friends don't seem to find themselves in these situations like I do. Lol. Ah, well. . . .

Ooh, three more days until Engelbert Humperdinck's concert, eighteen days more until Neil Gaiman's arrival here in the Philippines, and twenty-five more days until the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince! Oh, and I've no class on Friday! Oh, and I think I'll be watching Batman Begins this Thursday afternoon! Huzzah! :D

Things are [almost] right as rain right now, and I'm revelling in the downpoar. :)

. . . who is a best friend with whom I have chemistry (no pun intended). I want him to be a friend that I can kiss (and enjoy kissing). I want a guy who'll write me notes, saying "wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you," or "the first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met, and I knew that to you and into your life I had to get," or "if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me," to which I'd respond with a note saying either "it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you; there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do," or "when I'm with you, I feel naked and sacred; and this world can be so cold; I want to hold you naked and sacred 'til I grow old," or "maybe it's crazy, but it's crazy and it's true--I know you can save me; no one else can save me now but you," and he'd completely understand me. (In other words, he'd have the same taste in music as me.) He'd whisper in my ear as we danced, "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night," to which I'd respond, "If music be the food of love, play on . . . " and he and I would laugh at our academic dorkiness/cheesiness. I want a guy with whom I'm comfortable. I don't want to feel the world caving in on me when he's in close proximity. I want a guy who can analyze, debate, review, and dissect literature with me hours on end (and actually enjoy it). I want a guy whose kiss makes the world fade away and starlight glimmer behind my closed lids (without making me feel like it's the apocalypse). I want a guy whose touch makes my skin flush (without making me feel like I'm going to implode). I want a guy with whom sex will not just be physical, but emotional as well. I want a guy who can keep up with my kinks but understands that deep inside, it's all about love. I want a guy who thinks I'm beautiful even when I'm not wearing make-up or an evening gown (but stares at me in awe and reverence when I'm all dressed up). I want a guy who is polite to my family and to my friends. I want a guy whose embrace makes me feel safe and loved. I want a guy who can tell me that he loves me without saying a thing, who I can love without having to proclaim it to him or to anyone else. I want a guy who understands me and knows what I like and dislike and what I feel and think without being completely able to predict me. I want a guy who I can go dancing with, whether it be in clubs and in parties or on the sidewalk underneath the golden light of streetlamps or in either of our living rooms. I want a guy who can carry me. I want a guy who likes me both for what's inside and what's physical, though most of the weight lies on what's inside. I want a guy who can kiss my tears away. I want a guy who is romantic without being maudlin, and sensitive in just the right way.

I want a guy who will love, respect, and accept me for who I am, and who I will be able to love, respect, and accept in return without feeling like I've lost some part of me or like my freedom's been taken forcibly from me.

. . .

Will I ever find him?

I tried to squeeze this all into a quick update, but it wouldn't fit, and I wanted to rant a bit.

I feel depressed and angry in turns without any valid reasons, and that makes me even more depressed and angry with myself when I think about it.

I hate mood swings.

I also hate being dependent.

Damn it. And damn me, most of all. I'm just really hating myself right now because I'm feeling so upset and angry and dependent. I'm an independent girl, damn it!

Ugh.

I need something to cheer me up.

And now I'm feeling depressed again . . . and listening to The Beatles isn't even helping me much, although it's keeping me from ripping out my hair.

UGH!

I'll stop now.

Damn it all.

Been both busy and lazy these days . . . lol. Anyway, I've some reviews and some recounts of my life in this entry . . .

As I've mentioned previously, I had tickets to watch the Engelbert Humperdinck concert, which was yesterday. It was great! :D I had a good time. My mother and I went to see it, and we had very nice seats. We were about ten rows away from the stage, which is near enough for me. It was very entertaining. Engelbert Humperdinck sang all of the songs that he's famous for, and he slipped in a few jokes and anecdotes in between his performances. He was hilarious! :) He even did an imitation of Tom Jones. :D Speaking of which, I hope that Tom Jones comes to the Philippines as well . . . I’d love to watch a concert of his. :)

As I’ve also mentioned previously, I went to see Batman Begins last Thursday. It was also an excellent film, in my opinion. What I loved about it was the non-linear flow of the story and the plot itself—it truly keeps one guessing. All of the cast members did a great job (except maybe for Katie Holmes, who I found quite plain . . . but she was okay, and not completely horrendous). I now [kind of] have a thing for Dr. Jonathan Crane, a.k.a. The Scarecrow. :D I always find myself liking the oddest people in literature. What I love so much about Dr. Crane is the total paradox of his character: he’s a mad scientist whose field of expertise is psychology, and he runs an asylum to top it off. Brilliant. I love a good oxymoron or good paradox.

About my day . . . today I went to meet with my group mates in Chemistry over a sort of project. We spent about a third of our time together doing the project and the other two-fourths just chatting. *g* I just discovered that I have a rather disturbing classmate who reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of sorts . . . I hope that things don’t get out of hand.

One of my group mates told me that I was pretty. :) That made my day. While I’m not really extremely vain, it’s always gratifying to hear from someone that he thinks you’re pretty, most especially when you feel that you’re not. (Although I think that he just told me that to console me. Haha.)

There are a few guys who I think are interested in me . . . but I’m trying not to flatter myself, so I’m not dwelling on it. I don’t want to become a self-sycophant. Be nonchalant, take things at face value, and never assume: those are the things that I must tell myself always. Anyway . . . I want to have a school dance. I want to dress up again. :)

It keeps raining over here. Thunderstorms are quite common nowadays. I love the rain, but at the same time, I don't want it to rain, because if it floods, I could get stuck in school.

But for now, while I'm at home . . . I love the rain. :)

Today was one of my worse days.

(However, since I've now rested a bit, eaten my dinner, and listened to some music, I'm feeling much better and less antagonized, so the mood of this entry probably won't be as angsty as it would've been around an hour ago.)

Had Chemistry for five hours, as that is my schedule for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Conducted my experiment about thrice because I kept getting it wrong, much to my dismay and frustration. I panicked, and the more I panicked, the more stressed I became, and the more I botched things up. Gah. I was literally tripping all over myself (and I stress the word literally) to get my experiments done. In retrospect, it was probably both a funny and pitiful sight . . . and I remember feeling flustered, hysterical, embarrassed, and angry all at once. I wanted to laugh and cry like mad. *g* Ah, well. Oh, and I spilt some [non-toxic] chemicals on my lab gown and onto the floor from one of my experiments. Fantabulous. At least I didn't break anything . . .

The happy part of it is that in the end, even after my blundering, my Chemistry lab group got a plus one. :) (Although I did get some deductions for some wrong answers and my rather messy worksheet. Haha. But never mind that; at least I was able to submit early enough, despite my numerous mistakes, thus earning some plus points for my group.)

Alright, moving on. Nung lunch, sinabi sa 'kin ng group mates ko sa Filipino na kailangan naming magkita sana sa Sabado dahil sa sabayang pagbikas namin. Hay . . . Wala kasi si Mang Tino ngayong Sabado, kaya baka si kuya nalang yung mag-drive sa 'kin . . . Hay naku. Ang hirap-hirap pumunta sa UST kaya; galing Alabang pa 'ko . . . Ang mahal pati ng gastusin sa gasolina. Ayokong pahirapan yung mga magulang 'ko, no! Di naman ako pinapayagang mag-commute (at sa totoo lang, ayaw ko rin naman kung pwede . . . ). Alam ko parang ang spoiled ng dating ko, pero sorry nalang, yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon . . .

Ang hirap talaga ng nakikita ng lahat yung sinasabi ko tungkol sa sarili ko . . . meron paring takot na isipin nila, "ang kapal/ang sungit/ang bastos/ang spoiled/ang immature/et cetera naman ng babaeng ito . . ." Pero ano pa ba naman ang purpose ng online blog na 'to kung di ko ilalagay yung totoong mga nararamdaman ko? Kaya nga hindi ko na binigay yung URL nito sa mga kakilala ko, eh . . . Para yung mga iniisip ko e sa akin lang . . . Pero parang ang labo naman nun, diba? Internet journal, pero para sa 'kin lang? Haha.

Looks like I've just met a new overbearing person. You've just got to love those people.

Moving on to the rest of my day . . . Lunch was good; got to see one of my roommates in my dorm in which I don't sleep (Gist of that story: my mom and dad had a conflict in which one said I should go home and go to school everyday, and the other said that it was better for me to sleep in a dorm near my school. Solution: they got me a dorm, but I still go to and from school everyday. Haha.). Got to talk to, know more of, and eat lunch with two of my classmates. Had a very good lunch (paksiw na lechon--if you understand, yes, envy me. XD).

P.E. was good too. Enjoyed Folk Dance. Got to learn a new dance! Huzzah! :) My partner's quiet, which suits me just fine.

And then comes the radical highlight of my day . . . I went to my dorm to drop off a few things and accidentally managed to punch in the wrong door code thrice. I set off their alarm. The siren started wailing; I saw people inside panicking . . . I was like, " . . . holy shit. Fuck it, I triggered the alarm!"

That was one of those "please-let-the-earth-swallow-me-up-right-now-and-not-release-me-until-a-decade-later" moments.

I apologized profusely to the landlady, of course, hurriedly dropped my stuff off, used the bathroom (with the strong desire to flush myself down the toilet), and rushed off again.

*sigh*

And I've still got homework. *deeper sigh*

Although in retrospect, things could've really been worse. Thank God for small miracles/lesser evils. XD

And because I want to make sure that this day ends happily, here's a happy quote to cheer me (and maybe you) up:

All you need is love, love . . . love is all you need!

Yes, I love The Beatles! :)

:D

♥

I've nothing truly fascinating to say today, but I feel like writing an entry, and so here I am. Haha. :) This entry most likely won't have any coherance and unity, but never mind. I speak nonsense with substance, right? :D Or I try to, at least. *g*

I got sick yesterday, but I'm feeling a bit better now . . . tomorrow, I expect to be almost well. My throat's still a bit scratchy and my nose still runny, but there's been a significant improvement in my condition as opposed to yesterday. I even think that I had a slight fever that subsided on its own. Ah, well. Just another one of those damn colds. Troublesome blighters.

Thank God for the weekend! Huzzah!

Although I've got lots of quizzes next week. Damn it.

A friend of mine told me something very flattering about my figure today. ♥ Yeah! XD

I got to speak to a classmate of mine today who I wasn't really able to converse with before. Turns out that he's quite nice. :)

I found a new kindred spirit who likes anime, J-rock, and K-pop like I do. Oh, yeah! :D

I've been feeling sentimental today. I spent half the day singing the remake of Tell Me Where It Hurts by this local band called M.Y.M.P. and the other half singing A Love Before Time by Coco Lee (beautiful song, that second one--it's a very ethereal song about soulmates, and it never ceases to evoke a bittersweet feeling in me when I hear it). And I played Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting on the piano, as well as Madonna's Crazy for You. Why am I feeling so romantic? Gah. Well, I guess I really am a romantic at heart, although I'm "romantiphobic" at the same time. Or maybe I'm romantic, but "commitmentphobic."

Although right now, I'm actually listening to Sahara Nights. The name of the song reminds me of the name of my blog. Haha. (I really can't find any lyrics to the 80's song, damn it. If you have a link to the lyrics, please tell me! :D Thanks.)

It's very bittersweet for me to listen to We Can Work It Out by The Beatles and to hear John Lennon sing these lines: Life is very short, and there's no time . . .

That is all for now.

:)

Remember the cold I mentioned in my last entry? Well, it's now evolved into a full-fledged flu, much to my dismay and chagrin. I had to skip school today because I was just feeling ill this morning (as well as last night). I'm on some strong antibiotics and I've medicine for my nasty cough . . . now all I can do is rest and hope that it gets better soon.

I hate being sick. (And the sad thing is that I'm always sick.)

Anyway, moving on . . . I watched Yellow Submarine for the first time yesterday (no pun intended--hee.), and I actually found it enjoyable! I'm not a fan of pop art and psychadelic art, most especially not animated pop and/or psychadelic art, but I actually truly enjoyed Yellow Submarine. Ringo's so cute! ♥ And I'm talking both about real!Ringo and cartoon!Ringo. :) I loved the script of the movie; it was absolutely brilliant and witty. I loved the puns. And I love Ringo. :D

I need a time machine. I need to go back to the 60's to snog and to have wild, passionate sex with Ringo Starr, damn it.

Though if I had the opportunity to snog and shag him now, I don't think I'd pass it up. :D

Oh, what I'd give to have him sing I Wanna Be Your Man to me. . . . ♥

Ooh, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is coming out in twelve days! Squee! :D And Neil Gaiman's coming in five days!

On a side note, I want a new layout. Wala lang.

Well, I'm still sick today, though it seems that I'm getting slightly better. I skipped school again, both to my delight and my dismay. Delight because obviously, I won't have to deal with lessons and irritable teachers with a colds-heavy head. Also, I get to watch all my Beatles DVD's to my heart's content. *g* Dismay because another day of absence means more work to catch up on. In addition, I'm only allowed eleven absences in one semester. I've had two, so this means that I'm left with nine. Damn it. If I have more than eleven absences, I'll be given a grade of Failure Due to Absences, or FA. It's so depressing. *sigh*

I've just belatedly realized that my school colors are yellow and black. I'm a Hufflepuff! Gah. And I always wanted to be a Ravenclaw . . .

I watched Yellow Subarmine again today (hee!) and a few snippets of my other Beatles' DVD's (mostly to catch a glimpse of Ringo ♥).

Oh, I just wanted to share . . . I saw a very touching picture yesterday. It's a painting of George Harrison and John Lennon meeting along Abbey Road . . . well, if you're a Beatles fan, you surmise what's happening. All I can say is that it made me tremendously teary-eyed. It's a beautifully bittersweet painting--very evocative, very haunting.

:(

Anyway, moving on . . . I'm a bit sad to be missing P.E. today, but I guess that I'm in no shape to be dancing anyway. I guess it's better that I'm just resting here at home, thinking happy thoughts. :D

I'm so far gone when it comes to my love lust obsession with Ringo. *g* I was watching Help! yesterday and during the scene in the Alps when they were singing Ticket to Ride, I couldn't help but watch the thrust . . . er, the movement . . . of his hips as he swayed to the beat. And I couldn't help but think that he must be good in bed because he's got great rhythm. Gah! x_x

And I kind of look at his legs, his ass, and his hands too. And he wears big shoes. Big shoes equal big shoe size. Big shoe size equals big feet. Big feet equals . . . 

GAH!

So far gone.

"Happy thoughts" indeed.

XD

I'd better stop before I incriminate myself any further. *g*

Oh, but now corny pick-up lines are running through my head . . .

Ringo, will you please let me ride your yellow submarine?

XD

Too much medication for me. x_x

Ringo . . . Won't you please, please helplovemarrysnogshag me?

Hee.

So . . . today I went to school again. It was a rather good day. I got a fairly good grade on my dreaded Psychology quiz, and I feel that I performed quite well (pwera nalang sa Ingles--nakakahiya, EIC pa naman ako sa dati kong school . . . eh kasi naman, sa totoo lang, ang problema ko naman eh talagang in-edit ko yung mga pangungusap, tulad nung trabaho ko bilang EIC dati . . . Hay.) in my lessons today.

Tomorrow may be a different story, though. I've several Chemistry quizzes to worry about. Damn it. I still have to study. . . . My computer clock says that it's 5:52 P.M. right now. I guess I'll get to work at around 7:00 . . . I feel too lazy . . . Gah. But I have to remind myself that my future depends on these quizzes, damn it.

Must study. Must be a good student. Must eventually be a good nurse. Hopefully become a good doctor. Gah. My mind's whirling.

Pressure pressing down on me, pressing down on you, no man asked for . . . Ah, yes, if I could just sing my stress away with some fun Queen songs.

Okay . . . I just have to relax. Breathe in; breathe out; listen to some music. Alright, am now listening to Queen's Under Pressure. That ought to make me feel a bit better.

I have to put "meet Neil Gaiman" in my things-to-do list. I've got to remind my mom about that. I can't pass up that opportunity, as tempting as it seems right now. No! Must resist! Must meet Neil Gaiman!

And that's all I've got to say for now.

Today was a hellish day in school, actually. I've now officially dubbed Tuesdays and Thursdays as Hell Days.

Four quizzes in Chemistry in the span of three hours = bad results = massive implosions = gah! (and other expletives). And that equation sorely needs a lot of balancing to become quizzes in Chemistry = good results = high self esteem = yay!.

Must. Study. Like. A. Maniac.

PUTANG INA!

Anyway, I want to be happy. And I am happy, actually, because to cheer myself up . . .

I bought myself two of The Beatles' CD's! :D

Ringo, you are teh hott. XD

And I now want him to sing two songs to me (and these stanzas specifically--yes, I'm a demanding little bitch).

Here're the excerpts:

Little child, little child
Little child, won't you dance with me?
I'm so sad and lonely
Baby take a chance with me
--Stanza from Little Child

(For my friends who truly know me well enough, this verse has extra special significance to me. ;))

And:

I wanna be your lover baby;
I wanna be your man;
I wanna be your lover baby;
I wanna be your man.
Love you like no other baby,
Like no other can;
Love you like no other baby,
Like no other can.
--Stanza from I Wanna Be Your Man

I'd say "yes" right away. ;)

Oh, and before I forget . . .

There's some happy blue text that remind me of your pretty eyes, darling.

Whoa, I sound like such a maniac. XD

I love you, Ringo~! :D

♥

Right now, my song for him would be (strangely enough), Freaky Time by Point Break. But before you get freaked out (no pun intended *g*), let me explain. What I love so much about this song is that while at first glance, it seems like it's all about lust, closer inspection shows to me that the main premise is actually love.(Although I'm sure that Ringo's wife already makes him feel enough love . . . *sigh* Crushes. *sigh*)

I wanna be the one you come home to
I wanna be everything you need
Come on and lay your lips on mine
I wanna be the one to set you free
Come on and pull my body close
I wanna lie you on the floor
Come on and lay your lips on mine
And let our bodies work for more . . .

(Just the first two lines show that the speaker isn't just talking about some temporary fling, I think. I see a message of serious commitment there. The fourth line particularly strikes my fancy because to me, there's nothing like liberation . . .)

Anyway.

I wouldn't mind if he told me those things either, though.

I've just come to the conclusion that I am a very, very . . . scary (?) eighteen-year-old. XD

So, here I am again with my new layout. It turned out to be darker than I expected.

Victorian Nights v2.0 - Porcelain Dreams of Decay was composed using Adobe Photoshop 7.0. Stock photos used were my own, and a few brushes from AnnikavonHoldt.com and PrettyBrush were employed. Model is yours truly.

And here is one last look at my previous header, in which my eyes stare at you dreamily.

Can you now see how my flesh reflects my madness within?

It almost seems to me that the world today is fraught with nothing but death, destruction, chaos, and subterfuge. The death of not only lives but dreams, futures, hopes . . . the destruction of relationships, rapport, and peaceful interdependencies and coexistences . . .

Right now, my country's government--particularly our president, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo--is subject to scrutiny and skepticism from the public more than usual. This is because she was caught allegedly cheating during the elections--and there's a tape of one of her wire-tapped conversations to prove it. My country's unstable at this point in time, and with good reason.

And now, the incident in London. My heart bleeds for the innocent people whose lives were taken away from us so suddenly. . . .

What's happened to the world? . . .

drewby wrote this brilliant entry yesterday . . . Go and have a look.

I was supposed to go see Neil Gaiman last Saturday, but then, I suddenly discovered that an anti-government rally might take place near the mall where he was supposed to have his book signings. Much as I wanted to go, my mother and I decided that I would forego the event . . . and now, I absolutely regret it, because nothing uneventful happened anyway. I could've gotten a chance to meet Neil Gaiman and to have him sign my books, but damn it, that had to happen. Ugh.

Instead, I spent the whole day re-watching all of my Beatles' DVD's with my favorite niece (a cousin's daughter). At least I was happy with that, I guess. . . . :)

I always find myself sad because I feel like I was born in the wrong time . . . I always find myself liking the classics from the 40's to the 80's, and I find that a lot of music from the 90's an onwards isn't really very appealing to me. How I wish I had a time machine . . .

Oh, I learned an interesting thing in Psychology today. It gave me goosebumps. In Plato's The Republic, he made a cave analogy, stating that we are just like people trapped inside a cave, and what we see are mere shadows of the true reality, which he calls "The World of Forms." For example, I'm typing on this computer right now, and while for me my computer is very real, it's actually only a shadow of something that makes it real in The World of Forms. This truly struck me because just a few months ago, I read The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, and that was practically the gist of the ending of the seventh book. (If you haven't read The Chronicles of Narnia and still wish to do so, don't read the rest of this paragraph because I'll be giving spoilers.) When Lucy, Edmund, Peter, and everyone died in The Last Battle, they were welcomed into the real Narnia, in which the children could see every place they'd seen in their lifetimes, whether it was London or countries they'd seen in Narnia . . . and Mr. Tumnus explained that what they saw were the real places they'd actually seen, in which no good things were destroyed. (Just recounting this makes my hair stand on end.) It is later explained by Aslan that they died in a railway accident, and that they were forever going to be in Narnia, and it is implied (or assumed) that they've gone to heaven. This, I feel, is very similar to what Plato said in The Republic, in which what we see on Earth are just shadows of reality--whether he means heaven, "The World of Ideas," nirvana, and what have you.

(It's safe to read on again.)

I absolutely adore The Chronicles of Narnia, and so, when I read about these things that Plato said, I felt very nostalgic and bittersweet.

And here's a Narnia quiz, just because I feel like posting one. :D

The sixth book written, you're nevertheless the first chronologically. You not only describe the creation of Narnia and tell where the White Witch, the lampost and the wardrobe came from, you get to bounce between worlds with the help of Uncle Andrew's weird magic rings.
Find out which Chronicles of Narnia book you are.

Oooh . . . Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is coming out in five days! SQUEEE! :D I have to finish it on Saturday. I must. And I will. If I was able to finish OotP in one day, I can definitely finish HBP in one day. :D

Oh, and I've decided to stop listening to my Beatles stuff for a while . . . I've discovered that I'm beginning to have a one track mind, and I don't think it's healthy. Lol. *g* Plus, I don't want to tire of Ringo quickly. *g* (Though I don't think I will. I know that he'll be one of those crushes that last forever. :D)

That's it, so I shall dash now. :) Ta!

There was yet another political rally against the government a while ago. *sigh* Will this country's problems never end?

Anyway . . . I walked through my first thunderstorm yesterday. I was supposed to have P.E. yesterday from 1 - 3 PM, but my class was cancelled because our instructor attended a meeting. We were just asked to sign attendance, then we were dismissed. So as I was walking back to my dorm (where I actually never sleep, lol), it started to rain. I opened my umbrella, and before I knew it, I was walking through a thunderstorm. I could actually see the lighting forking through the sky, and the thunder was horrendously loud. I was kind of paranoid that lighting would strike the tip of my umbrella (although now that I think about it, it's probably highly unlikely because I was surrounded by buildings and trees that were obviously taller than me). When I got to my dorm, I was sopping wet, and the only dry part of my body was my head; from the neck down, it was as if I had no umbrella anyway, or like I'd chosen to dance or bathe in the rain. XD That was definitely an interesting experience.

Today, when I woke up, I experienced the most horrible bout of vertigo I've ever had in my entire life. The world was actually spinning in a horizontal clockwise motion around me, and I thought I'd faint. It was terrible. I woke up at around 5 in the morning, and I was probably terribly dizzy until about 7 or 8 in the morning. When I wouldn't move, it would be okay. But when I'd stand, or turn my head, or make sudden movements, the world would actually tilt around me, and I felt like I was going to collapse or something. I don't know what's wrong with me still, but it's better now. I'm not dizzy anymore, and I don't get dizzy anymore when I make sudden movements, although once in a while my head spins a little. I'm thinking that this has to do with the head cold I thought had already healed, but when this sort of thing happens to me, it's usually because I've still got some phlegm stuck in my head (although I've never experienced vertigo this bad before). *sigh* I hope it goes away soon.

Chemistry tomorrow. Gah. Have to study. MUST. STUDY.

Putang ina.

I'm going to have lots of quizzes and lots of stress next week. Our monthly exams are next week, and I expect that I shall have several little [and semi-little] deaths (and not of the pleasant kind) from today onwards.

Damn it all.

Anyway, I think I shall dash. Must prepare myself for Hell Day tomorrow.

Oh, and being disillusioned is one of the most painful experiences one can traverse, and I'm sad to say that I've just had to traverse said experience some days ago.

It's a painful thing to realize that a person who you thought you knew wasn't who you thought he was.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it . . .
--Song of Solomon 8:7

If you've not read Many Waters by Madeleine L'Engle, I suggest that you do. It's a beautiful, wonderfully evocative book.

I've just had an epiphany . . .

True love never dies.

Just as the prophet Hosea loved his wife Gomer in spite of her adultery, I, too, must love, for my love is true, and I deem it as true. Even if this love is not reciprocated, and even if it seems painful and even foolish to continue loving . . .

I knew that it would happen sooner or later.

I stained my white uniform. *facepalm*

Good thing I had a jacket to tie around my waist; I don't think I would've left the campus with a fucking red blotch on my skirt.

Anyway . . .

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is coming out in approximately twelve hours and thirty minutes!

SQUEEEEEEE!!!

Just read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Bloody excellent book. Fucking fantastic. I love it. I hated Snape, but I loved Draco, so that compensates for it. :)

Ate at Taco Bell yesterday, and it was much better than I remember it to be. Haha.

I now have a new MP3 player! Huzzah! :D

There was this guy who I thought liked me. Apparently not.

*sigh* From now on, I'm not making any assumptions.

I'm tired. Ah.

Quizzes tomorrow, and exams this week.

Fuck it.

Well, I've been busy lately . . . I've just finished my monthly exams. A mishap happened in my class, which I'd rather not discuss, but the whole incident makes me sad and disappointed. I hope that everything is rectified in the end.

I just watched Herbie: Fully Loaded today, and while I'm not the biggest fan of Lindsey Lohan, I did enjoy the movie. Lots of good laughs. Matt Dillon, as usual, was a laugh a minute. Loved Breckin Meyer. I have a tiny crush on Jimmi Simpson (I can't believe he's thirty!). He has very pretty fathomless eyes. Reminded me of Cillian Murphy there for a while, and I had the absurd idea of Dr. Jonathan Crane starring in a Herbie film. XD

Ooh, saw the trailer for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. SQUEEEE! MUST WATCH. OMG, MUST WATCH. :D

I have a meeting at school tomorrow, much to my dismay . . . Oh, well.

One of my pet peeves is when people borrow my things and never return them. Well, unfortunately, I've a classmate who does the aforementioned pet peeve to me, and it ticks me off to no end. *sigh*

I've still yet to watch The Island and Fantastic 4. I wish I'd watched them when they came out, but my exams were keeping me busy.

And oh, I've finally had a dream where I was making out with Ringo. XD It felt so realistic, damn it. Too bad it was just a dream. . . .

Lots of birthdays and parties coming up. Yay! :)

On a side note, I want a new layout already. Haha.

So, Victorian Nights v3.0 - lost in the whispers of time is up.

Ringo Starr in Shakespearean garb.

I will resist salivating.

:D

Here's one last look at my last banner, in which you see my cracked soul through the looking glass.

A while ago, I went to my school because I had to have a meeting with my group in Theology for one of our group projects. We're doing a presentation, and I'm to play Satan. Haha. I think I'll end up looking like the Devil from Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. (By the way, I only watched snippets of that movie because I found it far too disturbing.)

Two of my friends are coming over tomorrow. Yay. (I'm enthusiastic, but unenthusiastic. While I want to see them, I'm not quite certain I do. I'm introverted and schizophrenic that way.)

Nakakainis si ma kanina. There was really something stuck up her ass, damn it. Pinipilit niyang pumunta sa SM San Lazaro para ipakita sa akin kung nasan yung lugar, e sinabi ko na nga na wala akong planong pumunta dun dahil masyado siyang malayo. Ayaw niya 'kong papuntahin; ayaw ko rin namang pumunta; tapos biglang pipilitin niya akong sumamama sa kanya dun para lang makita yung lugar?! What the fuck is up with that? Sinabi na nang hindi ako pupunta dun eh, at ayaw rin naman niya akong papuntahin, eh! Nakakinis talaga. Bwisit. Tapos nagalit pa siya kay Mang Tino, e wala namang ginagawa yung tao. Bitch. Bwisit talaga. Siguro naagrabyado ko rin siya at sana pumayag nalang akong sumama para hindi na lumaki yung issue, pero nakakainis yung nagsasabi ka ng isang bagay tapos gagawa ka nang iba. Argh.

Fuck that.

I want a fucking break from everything.

I am beyond angry.

I am seething.

FUCKING PRESUMPTUOUS BITCH.

It's like, she can't say anything that's not offensive.

What the fuck is up with that?

Motherfucker.

Had Chemistry today and had the results of my monthly exams (long/unit tests) in the aforementioned subject. My Chem Lab results were abysmal, but my Chem Lec results were quite high. Well, one high exam is better than no high exam, right? :) I'm quite pleased, but I know that I should do better. My professor gave us the overview of the following lessons, and the subject matter looks much easier (I wish, haha *g*), so I'm going to make it a point to get higher grades henceforth.

Was supposed to have P.E. today, but in lieu of that, we were told that we were going to watch a film, then listen to a talk about our school. We started watching the film--a coverage of Cirque du Soleil's performances--and I was quite riveted to it (I love gymnastics and contortion, though all I can do are splits and oversplits) . . . then, the projector broke. They spent about forty-five minutes trying to fix it. Then, our speakers didn't show up, I think. So, we were dismissed early, much to my chagrin, as they told us beforehand that our dismissal was thirty minutes later than the usual time. *sigh*

Moving on to more serious musings . . . I guess it is true that death comes on swift wings to those who expect it. Two people I knew--not very well, granted, but people whose existences I was well aware of--had their lives taken away from them in one fell swoop. One, who was the friend of my uncle, died on the way to one of the anti-government rallies here in the city. He was riding on his motorcycle, and was hit by a vehicle. He was dead on arrival when he reached the hospital. Another was my dad's classmate; he died of an aneurism. This just goes to show that one can never truly expect death; it just waits beyond one corner and crosses our paths sometimes when we least expect it. Two of my batchmates have died, both of leukemia. I haven't lost a lot of my loved ones, but I've lost my fair share.

And so, I believe that life is meant to be treasured and lived to the fullest. And when I say "lived to the fullest," I'm talking of a life lived in love. Life is difficult, and sometimes seems so easy and so tempting to just give up; I know I've felt the urge to just snuff out my life in the face of tribulations. However, when I think about how much love I've still to give and still to receive from the world, I just can't bring myself to give up on life. Of course, it's also difficult to say that we must respond to everything with love; some situations elicit anger, some fear, others sadness . . . but the bottomline for me is that life must be about love in the sense that while we mourn, and while we rage, and while we cry, I know that it is still possible to respond with kindness, with understanding, with justice, with respect--which all stem from love. Love of neighbor, love of enemy, love of self, and love of God. . . . Love--the root of all virtues.

I know that this sounds idealistic. (And perhaps rather schizophrenic.) It's not possible to love and to be optimistic all the time. I know that I'm not, definitely. But at least I know what I should do, and I will try my best to walk my talk.

As my English teacher used to say: "Don't cry because roses have thorns! Rejoice because thorns have roses."

Living a life of love is harder than it looks. *sigh*

Especially in the face of idiocy, fakeness, and narrow-mindedness.

There's so much to hate in life.

It's very difficult to simply remain quiet when it's so tempting to just lash out at someone. Especially for me, as I'm a very aggressive and assertive person.

*sigh*

Alright. Strike one for you, dear friend. And if this carries on, well . . . you'll get what's coming to you. Whether it's from me, from someone else, or simply from karma.

So, just having a good Sunday over here with the family . . . My dad's home, which is great, since he's rarely home because of his job. We're going to watch a few movies, I think, then perhaps go to church this afternoon.

I watched Van Hellsing last Friday, and I found it quite interesting. I want to read the book.

Watched my Beatles' DVD's again yesterday and dreamt of them. Heehee. No "making out and/or doing censored things with Ringo" dreams, though. Damn it. Haha. I watched their video of Real Love for the first time, and I was so touched . . . just to see those Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms floating through the air . . . and their MBE medals . . . Just little highlights from their pasts . . . it was very touching. I think I had tears in my eyes. And there was a cute part in the video when Ringo used one of those half-moon tambourines as a smile. :D He's just so cute. And it was so nice to see them together again as older men.

Ooh, I saw them in the newspaper today. :) It was some article about this auction in London, and some guy was able to get John Lennon's handwritten lyrics for All You Need Is Love, as well as a few memorabilia. That sounds absolutely lovely.

School's going okay . . . Have to do better, though. Must get higher grades.

And here are a few quizzes just to keep me happy. :D

Please Please Me
Which Beatles Album Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your slave is Ringo! He's. . .well. . .he's just RINGO!!!!
You lucky girl, you know what they say about
the size of a guy's nose and his you-know-what, right??
Which Beatle is your sex slave?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hehehe. YES! XD

And some other non-Beatles quizzes . . .

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

Well, as I predicted yesterday, I have now gotten sick. Again. I'm going to the doctor in a few hours. *sigh*

And I've to open a bank account today. Damn it. I am very much not in the mood. My head feels fuzzy, my nose feels swollen, and my throat feels like acid's been poured down my fucking gullet.

*sigh*

At least I've something to cheer me up: I may be buying the albums A Hard Day's Night, Yellow Submarine, and Abbey Road today. :D I just hope they're available at the record store.

I still ♥ The Beatles! :D

An update on school: school's going alright. I didn't do as well as I would've wanted to in the first of three gradings in our semester, but that's alright; I think that I'm on my way to recovery now. :) I must especially work on my Chemistry, although the subject matter does seem easier for me to grasp now.

I had P.E. yesterday. As usual, folk dance is excruciating. We finally learned the entirety of the dance, and my partner and I are managing to do it properly! *g* We still have our mistakes here and there, but we've gotten most of the dance. I may be practicing again with him tomorrow. Our exam for P.E. is next Tuesday, so I really have to brush up on the dance; I don't want to fail P.E.. That's too embarrassing.

Speaking of which . . . tomorrow, I have another Chem exam. *sigh* Well, at least as I've said earlier, the subject matter seems easier. However, you know the feeling when you think it's easy, then the exam comes and you find that you don't know a thing? Gah, I'm scared for that. I hope that that's not the case. Must study later.

Oh, we have a choral recitation coming up for Filipino (Sabayang Pagbikas or Sabayang Bigkas in our native tongue). I'm rather excited for that. I used to help a lot with those things in my old school, and I'm glad that I'm getting the opportunity to help out now. It makes me feel at home again.

So many projects are due next month: this Sabayang Pagbigkas, a creative presentation for Theology, and a compilation of sorts for Theology too. Ack. Must start already.

Moving on to some philosophical ramblings . . .

Oh, and loneliness is a very strange thing. It strikes at the most inopportune moments--not that any moment is an opportune moment for loneliness, though. Although there are some moments when loneliness is expected. For example, when you're sitting alone in a tiny room, methodically and mechanically eating your lunch, alone, and pondering the mysteries of life, then that would seem like a good time to expect to feel pangs of loneliness. However, as I've said earlier, loneliness seems to strike at the most inopportune and unexpected of moments. For example, while you're sitting with friends, laughing, eating, joking, and generally having a good time, why is it that you pause . . . and suddenly, you feel lonely? You stay silent for a moment and watch your friends jest and banter with one another, and you feel--in that still sliver of silence--that you are lonely.

Yes, loneliness is a very strange thing.

Ah, look at all the lonely people . . .

All the lonely people--where do they all come from?
All the lonely people--where do they all belong?
--Excerpt from Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles

So, just another update for today . . .

Been to the doctor. Got prescribed some antibiotics. *sigh* Here we go again. I'm a walking, medicated zombie. Haha.

Bought A Hard Day's Night and Abbey Road. Yay! :D Yellow Submarine was sadly out of stock. Damn it. Ah, well. Maybe in another record store. As I've anticipated, I like A Hard Day's Night better than Abbey Road, simply because my favorite era of The Beatles' would be the Love Me Do/Please Please Me era to the Help! era, and it's a bit rarer for me to really like something of theirs in their late career. Yellow Submarine is the biggest exception to that, because I love the movie, and I love the soundtrack (which, sadly, had to be out of stock). However, I do love Octopus's Garden, Here Comes the Sun, Golden Slumbers, and Carry That Weight from Abbey Road. Maybe the album will grow on me the more I listen to it. :)

Damn it, I'm going to school again tomorrow. *sigh*

I still wasn't able to open that bank account. *sigh again*

And I've to do something for another bank account tomorrow. Damn this all.

I need a break.

My mother just called me stupid.

Actually, the term she used in our native language is worse--lower--than stupid.

For an objectively shallow reason.

She only apologized when I said that it hurt me.

I'm still crying.

I'm feeling much better now.

I had a relatively decent day; it wasn't amazingly perfect, but it was good. My experiment in Chemistry went alright, though I accidentally spilt some oxalic acid crystals onto my skin. The professor told me to wash my hands very thoroughly, but I think I was a bit late; my fingers, onto which I'd spilt the acid crytals, were already beginning to feel the burning sting. I guess it could've been worse, though. I could only imagine what would've happened if I didn't wash my hands. *cringes* I swear, next time, I'm bringing disposable latex gloves. This is the nth time I've spilt something on myself.

I had a practical exam in P.E. today. My partner and I had to perform our dance alone in front of the whole class. I had one or two mistakes, but otherwise, I think I did okay.

Oh, I found an interesting site! :D It's called eLouai's Candybar Doll Maker, and it's lots of fun to visit. Hee. :D I made a "paperdoll" of me:

That's me. :) That's how I dress on a regular basis (out of uniform, 'course). A blouse, sometimes a jacket over it, those kind of jeans, and I used to have step-ins in exactly the same design. *g* Usually, I have a bag, though.

Ooh, I saw the cute med student that I've been eyeing for some time. He didn't notice me, though, for which I'm glad--I was wearing my shapeless, horrendous P.E. uniform, and I would've died of embarrassment if he'd seen me, so his avid interest in his pocketbook was welcome in that case. Plus, it confirms that he likes to read, which makes him all the more interesting to me, being a bookworm myself. ;)

Medyo nagkakainisan na dahil sa Sabayang Pagbigkas, pero okay lang. May dahilan naman, eh. At this point in time, I think it's needed.

Oh, yeah, a few days ago, I watched Van Helsing. I really enjoyed it, actually . . . and I may now have a tiny crush on Hugh Jackman. *g* I always liked him, but this was the first role of his that I actually found sexy (though he was wonderful in Kate & Leopold).

Sometimes I miss having an actual diary; I miss being able to stick pictures and random trinkets onto it. It's just that I have the desire to make websites as well. *sigh* And I can't maintain both an actual diary and an online journal. . . . For now, I'd rather the online journal (and this has been my preference for several years now), but I still miss writing actual entries once in a while.

Well, that's it for today. :)

It has been broken for a week now. Gah. *is catatonic* XD I'm currently using my brother's laptop. Hopefully my desktop will be fixed soon enough. I just need to reformat my harddisk, then reinstall Windows XP, as well as my other programs. *sigh* Will get to that as soon as possible.

School's been hellish. Damn it. Will rant more when desktop's fixed.

Ta.

Just a quick update.

I'm tired. Just had P.E., which was horrendous, as usual. Got a good grade on today's test, though, strangely enough.

Have been horrendously busy. Desktop's still not fixed. Will get to it as soon as possible (which may be, knowing my luck, next next week).

We won our Sabayang Pagbigkas! Whoo-hoo!

Am both eager and not eager for friend's debut. Eager because it's a party and because I'll get to spend time with my friends from high school! Not eager because I think that my outfit looks like shit. Masaklab talaga maging mataba. Will try to go shopping some more tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it's my preliminary examinations tomorrow. Damn it.

Am slightly attracted to a guy from class right now. I know that it'll wear off in some time, though.

School has been tiring and stressful. What's new? Haha.

I have two tests tomorrow. Have studied for one, and will get to the other in about fifteen minutes.

Gah.

I miss the internet.

I miss my desktop.

Gah.

Just saw The Offspring on T.V. last night! Am still a fan after all these years. Though my crush on Dexter Holland has waned significantly. (Or disappeared, actually.)

Beatles (or more specifically, Ringo Starr) obsession has not waned one bit. Whee.

Love lots.

Went clubbing with my friends yesterday because it was one of our friend's 18th birthday. It was absolutely amazing. ;) Dancing and drinking are two of the best things on earth, and to enjoy both luxuries with friends--simply priceless. :) The only mishap of the evening was when I snagged my stiletto heel on my lace skirt. It has a bit of a three-inch horizontal rip at the back now, but thankfully it's not that noticable. I guess I'll just sew it back up again.

Felt like making out with a guy I saw at the club, but I was sober and logical enough to know that I shouldn't waste a first kiss, much less a first make-out session, with a stranger. Besides, I don't think he's attracted to me; I think he likes one of my acquaintances. It would've been humiliating to kiss him and then afterwards be pushed away--or worse, to have been kissed back, and to discover later on that he was imagining that it was someone else or thinking of someone else while we were kissing.

*sigh*

Sometimes, while I see some of my friends and their boyfriends (or what's closest to their boyfriends), dancing, laughing, kissing . . . it makes me wonder when I'll find the guy for me. I'm not rushing or anything, but while I'm amidst people who all have someone special in their lives, it does make me feel just a tad lonely. I've had my share of compliments--that I'm beautiful, pretty, hot, sexy . . . and that I have a great personality . . . and I can't help but wonder, why don't I have someone to love me?

*sigh*

I guess it's not my time yet. I wonder when it'll be.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. We've just finished our prelims, and so, results are bound to be out tomorrow. Damn it, I don't want to know. *sigh* Plus, I'm too lazy to do my homework. I want a break; I feel so burned out.

I'm tired of worrying about maintaining my 2.0 average.

I'm tired of stressing out about my course.

I'm tired of missing high school.

I'm tired of losing myself in college. 

I just want to rest. . . .

I feel that my life as of late has been a never-ending cycle of weariness. I go to school in the mornings and study all day. I come home late, then I study some more. I then go to sleep, and more often than not, dream of school (so both my waking moments and dreaming moments are in school!). Then, after a few hours, I wake. Then I go to school. And the cycle goes on.

*sigh*

I know that I am actually one of the privileged to be going to college, and definitely even more blessed to be one of the four hundred chosen to be in a quota course that twelve thousand applied for. I suppose that this stress is the price I pay for this privilege, though.

I shouldn't be complaining; many people would give their right hands to be in my place. And really, it isn't as bad as it seems. I still have free time, and during the weekends, I still have time to go out with friends.

But really, I'd just like a bit of a break. . . .

Just dropping by again for a quick update. I'm still using my brother's laptop, as my PC has not yet been fixed (and it's my fault, because I really have no time for it).

I have three quizzes tomorrow in Chemistry. How fabulous. Will study for that later.

But, the real reason I'm writing is that . . . I like someone. I haven't liked someone like this in a long time (in fact, I don't really remember the last time I liked someone like this--perhaps I haven't, actually . . .), and I feel like such a teenager (never mind that I am *g*). It feels nice. But I won't discuss it in detail, simply because I don't want my life to revolve around this guy. Suffice it to say that he's there, I think that we have a lot in common, and I'm beginning to like him . . . although I'm not letting it rule my life. I'm in college to study, not to flirt and pine over men.

And that's that. :D

I really ought to be studying for the Chemistry finals tomorrow, but I just haven't the heart to start. Ah, well. I'll get to that later.

Having a crush on someone is truly horrendous, especially when it's unrequited (or partly unrequited, anyway). I'd rather not discuss it in detail, but suffice it to say that I am heartbroken.

And that is all I can say for now, really.

Ah, the simple and poignant joys of sem break.

I woke up at eleven in the morning today as opposed to my usual five-fifteen. What a lovely way to wake up. Haha. Slept at around three last night, just chatting with friends and generally being wonderfully bored. There are two kinds of boredom, in my opinion: first, the boredom one experiences when he or she has nothing of utter importance or relevance to do; second, the boredom that one experiences when he or she is in a situation in which s/he has to do something but cannot find the enthusiasm to do so (for example: listening to a very important but horrendously dull lecture). While boredom is generally a very uninteresting and boring feeling, I find that the first type of boredom in my book is largely preferrable to the second one, especially since I've experienced nothing but the second kind for the past few months as it both took turns with and was the cause of excessive amounts of stress.

I celebrated the beginning of my break yesterday by having my hair straightened and then afterwards getting a hot oil treatment. :) It'll wear out in about two to three months, as it did the last time I had one (which was last summer), but I don't mind. I actually find that I like my fluffy and unmanageable hair, so long as it isn't looking particularly afro-like.

Oh, oh, oh! I want you to challenge me!

CHALLENGE:

I've realized that it's been months since I've written prosaic pieces, and I'm happy to say that I don't have writer's block anymore. :) However, would you like to help me? :) Challenge me. Give me four items/ideas (They can be anything you like--examples: chicken, chemistry, minced meat pies, sphygmomanometer. Or: lamp, rocking chair, old holey socks, moulding bread. Whatever! They don't have to be related! Whatever tickles your fancy! :D) and I will somehow integrate them into a short prosaic piece, probably a vignette, ranging from about 150 words to over a thousand (whatever strikes me at the time). If you want to make the challenge a little bit harder, suggest a genre. :) Alright? Alright. Go on! I'll be waiting for your ideas! :)

Anyway, moving on . . . I just remembered that my enrollment is on the 26th of October. While I'm really not looking forward to Zoology, funnily enough, the subject that I am most apprehensive about (as of now, anyway) is PE. I don't know what PE course I'll sign up for. Maybe Social Dance? Ah, whatever.

It's my sister-in-law's birthday today. Yay!

I think I shall cut my rambling short here. A toast to the joy that is semestral break. Let us drink to our health. :)

Cheers!

I feel that perhaps I am growing more and more introverted. I have a party to go to later because it's a friend's birthday, and I both feel like going and don't feel like going. *sigh*

I may be growing more and more paradoxical as I grow older.

Sem break does funny things to the mind.

Went out on said party last night. Had a blast. :) It would've been a perfect evening, if my brother and my mother hadn't fought before I left the house (and it was partly my fault why they argued, although they have scores to settle themselves--I'm not washing my hands clean, but the roots of the problems are in them, and all I actually did was uncover one). So, my entire evening was peppered with angry calls and angry text messages from both parties, venting to me about the other's inconsideration and telling me to deliver messages to the other party. It was so frustrating; I wish they'd just spoken to one another instead of rallying their messages to me and expecting me to pass them on! Ugh.

Anyway, I really don't want to dwell on that.

Looks like I survived my second college enrollment yesterday. :) It was, as usual, a harrowing experience. I was in line for about three hours for a procedure that took about five minutes. *sigh* I was supposed to have gotten my grades last Monday, but the server for the website of my school was down, and so, I was only able to claim them yesterday, much to my chagrin. However, I am happy to say that I survived my first semester of my college life! :D Yes, I did come out bloodied and bruised, but I fared well, I think. My grades were good. I surpassed the dreaded cutoff grade . . . for the first sem. There's still the second sem to think about, and so, I can't afford to be overconfident. But I am very pleased with what I got. My parents are even saying they'll buy me gifts as rewards for my hard work. :) But most important of all, I have convinced myself that I can survive Nursing. I'll just have to work hard, take it one step at a time, and while doing so, keeping faith in myself and in God.

Oh, on a side note, my P.E. is now volleyball. *shudders* I don't know if that's better or worse. At least the uniform's less hideous.

The awful thing right now is that I'm having PMS. The mood swings are horrendous. I feel angry, jealous, then elated and exuberant in turns. I feel melancholy, then vengeful. I haven't had PMS this bad in a while, so I'm hoping that it goes away soon.

It's funny how the heart can protest so rebelliously against the mind. *sigh*

I need a break from the ruminations of within.

On a random note, I watched Shrek 2 again today, and I laughed my head off when Shrek said in reference to Far Far Away's heralds, "Sergeant Pompous' Fancy Pants Club Band," since it's such a hilarious allusion to The Beatles' "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." *g* Oh, and I also just recently watched Kate & Leopold, and Kate also addressed Leopold as Sergeant Pepper when she first saw him clothed in his antiquated garb. *g*

Wala lang.

:)

My computer's finally fixed! :D Huzzah!

I feel like making a new layout. I think that it's time for Victorian Nights v4.0, yeah? :D I'm debating whether I'll do another Beatles (or Ringo) header or a Nursing header. Well, I'll see whatever strikes my fancy . . . although I think I'm veering more towards the first. I actually have no idea what to do for a Nursing header; I don't exactly want to show nurses giving shots and all other greusome things. I'd take a photo of my uniform laid out, but I don't have the nursing cap yet (that's an honor I have yet to attain when I reach my third year), so it won't be as meaningful as I'd like. Ah, well. I think that another layout of The Beatles (or of Ringo) will be it, then. :)

Speaking of Ringo . . . . XD

I had a dream with him in it last night . . . And the rest of The Beatles, actually . . . except I can only vividly remember George. John and Paul are hazy in my memory. Funnily enough, I dreamt that I was pregnant, and 24-year-old Ringo was the father. (However, we did not "make the baby" in my dream, much to my irritation. Lol. Just kidding.) I remember that we were ecstatic. And that's about it. Lol. It was quite silly. . . . But enjoyable in its silliness, I guess. :D

I watched The Legend of Zorro a few days ago, and I found it quite enjoyable. Joaquin was rather annoying at times, but he was alright. I loved the plot, actually; I shan't spoil it, but I found it a good movie worth watching.

Read Cryano de Bergerac a few days ago. I cried at the end. It was so wonderfully written, and it was so witty; I had no idea that it would end so tragically, damn it. Ah, well. I've been catching up on my reading. I've been rereading some of my older books (such as a few books from the series Dragonlance and the book The Giver, as well as Memoirs of a Geisha, which has the upcoming movie with Zhang Ziyi that I'm looking forward to), and I've been reading some new ones as well, such as Cyrano de Bergerac as I've aforementioned, and The Canterbury Tales. Might as well maximize my reading and writing during this sem break.

School starts again on the 7th of November. *sigh* I'm both excited and reluctant. I would much rather stay home and relax, but then, I want to get this over with. Lol. As if I can get school over with in a snap. But, as the famous quotidian says, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Or something to that effect, anyway.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got to say for now. I'm just so happy that my PC's fixed again! :D

Oh, a serious matter of rumination:

I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same
And i know it's only words
But if you change your mind you know that i'll be here
And maybe we both can learn. . . .
--Excerpt from Phil Collins' One More Night

Do I agree? Or don't I agree?

Am I strong and vengeful? Or am I soft and sentimental?

Will I sit around here and wait for him to reciprocate? Or will I move on like a wrathful goddess?

So, it's the end of the year 2005. It's been quite a journey.

This year has been one of the most vivid of my life. I've experienced so much, felt so much . . . lived so much, and yet died so much. I've made sacrifices, and I've had sacrifices made for me. I've given love; I've received love. I've made friends; I've lost loved ones. I've grown into a much more mature individual, and yet I've also realized that there is still so much to learn. This year has been a year of extremes, of transitions . . . of deaths, decay, and more importantly, of births and resurrections.

Of course, the year 2005 was really destined to be a very significant point in my life, with me turning eighteen and going to college, but I never thought that it would be this rainbow malestrom of feeling and thought, of epiphanies and instincts, of realizations and confusion.

One of the larger changes that happened in 2005 was, as aforementioned, my high school graduation and consequent first year in college. Once in a while, I still find myself somehow surprised when the words "Bachelor of Science in Nursing" escape my lips in reference to myself. There is still a sense of surreality, and at the same time, there is also feeling of certainty in which I tell myself, "Yes, it is true; this is where I am now." College seemed like a far-off world when I was in high school . . . which was, funnily enough, just a few months past. Now, I'm immersed in university life, and both loving and hating it, but getting through and doing my best.

One of my biggest sacrifices was choosing to go into Nursing as a pre-med. I wanted to go into Computer Science, and I was all set, but because of several of my own realizations and because of my family's encouragement, I went into a healthcare course instead. I both loved and hated my decision to go into Nursing, and it is still the same today, but I will stick to my course. I don't see myself anywhere else now, truth be told. I can't say that I've found what I'm truly meant to be doing, but somehow, I feel that this is the way that will lead me to what I've been searching for. Neither can I say specifically what it is that I have scanned the horizons for; all I know is that when I find it, it will mean that I have found true happiness.

One thing that gets me through Nursing is the presence of friends who are all experiencing the same thing as I and are willing to share the burdens and the joys. I am happy with my class. We have good rapport, and that gives me a sense of security because these people are likely to be some of my co-workers in the future. We will spend four years together, God willing, and even longer, if we become colleages. And there is, of course, the guy I like. Right now, I feel that we're not meant to be, but people change . . . I will most definitely still change, and so will he. Who knows what the future will bring? I don't, but I am most definitely willing to find out.

Life has taught me a number of important lessons, and I have definitely learned more this past year. One of the most important is that open-mindedness is key. It would be tremendously clichéd to say never judge a book by it's cover, but that is the truth. I have learnd that first impressions do not last. I've learned that you shouldn't say never (and always), because things change. I've learned to love so many things I said I'd never, and I've grown to dislike people that I thought I wouldn't. I've fallen for a boy in class when I said I'd never. I've disliked several friends whom I thought were incapable of such treachery. But that's how life is. And it would do me well to remember that. Wag magsalita ng patapos, in our vernacular. Don't speak with finality, convinced of the be-all and the end-all.

Another important thing I've learned is while you should be confident in yourself, you shouldn't be complacent either. I've learned that doing my best and yet not expecting anything makes my load easier. O, how the mighty hath fallen is a maxim I'd rather avoid.

My memories of 2005 are bright and vivid with beauty and light, and at the same time, dusted with melancholy and pain. But if you ask me of my regrets? I have none. Because the past year has made me into who I am, and I am proud to be me. I wouldn't change any of those experiences, because each one has both shown me what kind of person I am and has molded me into someone better. Sure, perhaps I could have done better in this, changed that so that this didn't happen . . . and who knows what deluge of realizations and epiphanies those changes would have brought? We eliminate possible futures through the choices we make today. And while it is in my nature to actually dwell on what I could have done, and what could have happened, I don't want to do that today, because I'm happy with the lessons I've acquired and I'm pleased with the person I've become. As for what is yet to happen and what I will still become in the future . . . I can't wait to find out. All I know is that I will strive to be a better person, and I will gather as much life-lessons as I can on the way.

2006 promises to teach me more new things, what with me receiving my Nurse's cap, raising my own Florence Nightingale lamp, earning my own nameplate, and starting my hospital rounds, among many other things. This makes me realize that 2005 is a special year in the sense that it marks the beginning of what I truly will be in the future. In a sense, it is the beginning of a new life for me. I can't wait to see this new life will bring my way. Of course, there will be tribulations, but I don't mind. How can one know the light if there is no darkness to contrast against it?

And so, here is the proverbial toast to posterity and health in the upcoming year. Happy New Year to you and to me, and may 2006 bring lots of love, joy, and many other wondrous things. Cheers to a new beginning! :)

So I picked this gold sequins theme because I'm totally in the mood to go clubbing in a place with a retro theme. :D

Let's groove tonight

--excerpt from Let's Groove by Earth, Wind and Fire

Yay! :D

Oh, Victorian Nights v4.0 will come soon. :) I don't know when, but soon.

Alright. My school bags are all fixed and proper, and I'm ready to go to school tomorrow.

In the sense that my things are fixed.

But I am most definitely not ready for school tomorrow.

I feel like going to school tomorrow would be useless because it's been announced before the break that we'll be missing one subject out of three tomorrow. That leaves two subjects left, and who knows if my teachers will be there? Knowing my other teacher, well, she doesn't exactly show up when she says she will. As for my other teacher . . . well, he's always present. (But there's a first time for everything. . . . Is this pessimism or wishful thinking? What a paradox.) So that leaves one subject with certainty.

And then there's P.E.. If the P.E. department has decreed that there will be P.E..

I really don't want to play volleyball tomorrow.

Who even knows if we'll have P.E. tomorrow?

Why can't I make up my mind about what's worse? Volleyball or no volleyball?

Sigh.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow just yet. :(

Moving on, I'm really, really excited for The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe!  It's coming out tomorrow over here in the Philippines, and I can't wait to see it. I'm a big fan of The Chronicles of Narnia and of C.S. Lewis (as I've written in this entry), so I'm really thrilled that the movie's coming out soon. I'll be watching it on Monday, though. But nevertheless . . . yay!  I'm re-reading the book tonight so that it's fresh in my memory when I watch the film. I hope that it does the book justice. (I'm expecting that it will, though, because of the many production teams that joined together to make it.) I'm expecting it to be spectacular! ♥

On a side note, I stumbled across these smileys in the smiley list today. Heehee!

I'll get there soon. Next year, I'll [hopefully, with hard work and diligence] be getting my Nurse's cap and I'll be doing my hospital rounds. Snaps for me!

A Babbling Brook Dreaming an Ode of Farewell

By: Me.

Sometimes I find that I envy the sun when I find that I can set my eyes on it, for I watch the light as it loves you, and I wish that I could love you as well; I watch as the gold caress as it strokes the length of your hair, dips intimately into the crease of your eye, crests gently along the rise of your cheek, then flows lovingly along the softness of your mouth.
The softness of your mouth beckons to me: the curl of your lips, the honeyed heat of your words, and the zinfandel kiss of your smile, all heady thrills that could freeze my thoughts and warm my flesh. How I wish that I could warm yours.
I could warm yours, if you would let me. But that is a luxury that I cannot have. For with this flame comes frostbite. I am seared, and yet, I am frozen. They say that this begets this, and that begets that, but I find that you give me warmth, and yet perhaps mean cold. You stoke an inferno, then douse it with frost. I then light you a fire, but you give me a token of ice.
Give me a token of ice is all you have done, for perhaps, you mean your warmth for someone else. And, I suppose, that is fine. I see that it is time to close the hearth, and while winter prevails, it shall soon be dispelled by the budding blooms of springtime that I will await with both melancholy and joy.
I will await with both melancholy and joy the day that your ice will finally overshadow your fire, and my flames will finally die and wither in silver-cerulean. But in truth, I have left a candle for you, and matchsticks in a little tin box. When you come once again into me and find that there is a chill in the air, all you have to do is breathe life into the wick, and we can speak as lovers do.
We can speak as lovers do only in my dreams for now, and perhaps in the descants of forever, and I find this a somewhat painful thought. But this spark of pain reminds me that at least I can feel something else, and your frost and mine own has not numbed me yet. And yet, despite that, I still find that sometimes, when I gaze upon you with the deepest shadows in my eyes, and I think my heart has finally found its requiem . . . I find that I envy the sun.

There're so many things to say, and I don't even know in which order I should say it. Some are pleasant, and some aren't so pleasant. I'll do the bad news first, I guess, so that I can at least end at a happy note.

Two of my friends are having a quarrel, and that just makes me feel bad. I wish I could do something about it, but then, I'm not in a position to do anything. But what I can do is offer a listening ear and, if ever, a shoulder to cry on. Advice is something I don't dispense though for obvious and practical reasons, and I try to keep my opinions inside as well because this is something the two parties involved should handle themselves. However, I'm always there to listen, and I hope that that helps in the catharsis.

Another unhappy news is that . . . well, I feel selfish. I know for a fact that I tend to be selfish with regards to almost everything: time, money, effort, ideas, material possessions, food even . . . and as it is such, I go out of my way to be selfless and to do selfless things. But even when I do these selfless things, like lending my stuff to people who ask, donating money to good causes, giving ideas and contributions to projects that don't even acknowledge my input, a part of me still feels selfish inside. It makes me wonder . . . does that selfishness taint the good deeds that I'm doing? And why should I care that my input isn't duly noted when at least it helps? Does that make me an attention-seeking bitch? And on a different note . . . when do "borrowers" get out of hand? As an example, a friend of mine keeps borrowing my MP3 player, thus spending the battery. I don't have a rechargable battery! If I had a rechargable battery, perhaps I'd be alright with it. But I don't exactly want to tell him, "Hey, you're wasting the damn battery!" because that's what you're supposed to do with an MP3 player: listen to it. *sigh* I just wish that he'd be more considerate with the amount of time he listens on the MP3 player. I wouldn't mind a few minutes and a few songs, but hours and hours on end? Anyway, I digress. I guess I should add "be less selfish and know when to be selfish" to my New Year's Resolutions List.

Speaking of my New Year's resolutions, this is both bad and good news, so I'll be putting it in the middle. So far, I have five resolutions: one, lose weight by my 19th birthday; two, get good grades and pass first year college; three, get over Guy in Class; four, (secret); and five, be less selfish yet know when to be selfish. I'm somehow doing the third, but it makes me both sad and happy that my resolution's getting done. Sigh . . . Dear one, this is for you. . . . And remember, the candle and the matchsticks in their little tin box wait for you, if you'll have them. . . .

Alright, on to the happy things. Lately, my class and I have been having a blast!  We've been eating out in random places like KFC and Ice Monster--oh, the place has wonderful Brownie Fudge Ice--and now we see why my first New Year's resolution isn't underway yet.  We've been playing lots of games, and we've just been hanging out and generally having a good time. I'm really learning to ♥ my class! :) I just wish I was able to go out with them today, though. A big group of my classmates went to the mall today to hang out and to watch The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe again, and I couldn't go because I had no means of getting there. Ah, well. Maybe next time. :)

Speaking of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe . . . I loved it! (If you haven't watched the film and still mean to, there are spoilers henceforth! Proceed at your own risk!) There were a few things that they changed from the book, as I expected, but I didn't mind as much. I loved the performance of the actors; I think that they all did a good job. And I fell in love with the little boy who played Edmund.  Well, okay, so Skandar Keynes isn't a little boy anymore since he's fifteen, but that still makes him three years younger than me! That is so sad. Oh, but King Edmund (Mark Wells) is yummy too.  Ah, well. And James McAvoy was pretty cute as Mr. Tumnus. But aside from the cuteness of those two characters, there were a lot of things that I enjoyed in the film. Although it started out quite slowly, the action got quite exciting from the middle and onwards. The flight from the Beavers' house was great, and the fox (who wasn't in the book) made an interesting and lovable addition. Maugrim had a sort of sleek dangerousness to him that made him a very intriguing character as Jadis' chief of police. Speaking of Jadis, Tilda Swinton did a good job playing the White Witch. Her battle scene versus Peter was absolutely stunning! In fact, that entire battle scene was beautiful. I loved the gryphons and the phoenixes; they were a nice touch. The carriage of the white witch, done in the Roman style with polar bears as the bearers was fantastic and very ominous. I loved the entire battle scene in the end, and the music was lovely as well. (I want the soundtrack!) When Peter shouted, "For Narnia! For Aslan!" and charged forth, I thought I'd cry! And the duel between Peter and Jadis was breathtaking. The choreography was great; I loved the way Jadis moved and fought. She used the two swords so fluidly, and her bearing in battle really befit her stature as a queen. On a side note, there were some graphics that were obviously fake, but otherwise, the CG was good. In conclusion, I loved the film, and I'd definitely definitely definitely want to see it again!  When's Prince Capsian coming out?! (I heard that that was the next film in the series.) Haha!

(It's now safe to read on again.)

Now, I'm really eager to see Memoirs of a Geisha!

Oh, here is another bit of happy news . . . I read the newspaper today and came across a book called The Revenge Encyclopedia, which gives tips on how to get back at your enemies. It is, just looking at the title, a rather slapstick book, but very intelligently (and cunningly and evilly) done. However, just as it was written with intelligence, it must also be read with intelligence. ;)

And that is that. :)

On a side (and parting) note, I love the smileys of Mindsay.

Surrender - I.

by me.

If there was ever bliss to be found,

I feel that I must have it from no other but you—

You and the gentle softness of your lips

The tender white-crimson silk of your caress

The azure heat of your gaze that swallows me whole

The golden blaze of your smile that sears my skin

How I have dreamt for your lips on my lips

For your caress to mould my flesh

For your gaze to make me yours, and

For your smile to be my own

Hands and limbs entwining, bleeding into one

A blaze of color and light

Yours and mine

I am all your own in the blue forever flame

And you are mine in the ruby bolts of sea

Curl your palm into mine

Sink into me

As the ocean limns the shore to its own in lace

And together, in a blaze of silver starlight

Burning cerulean in indigo skies

Our lips meet and I know—

If there was ever bliss to be found,

I feel that I must have it from no other but you.

---

Yes, I know that this doesn't really have meter. I am sadly no poet. Sigh.

Had a horribly tiring day today. Well, the first part was slow because we just had a talk, but the second part, namely P.E., was horrendous. We had three practical exams, and I failed two of them. Overall, my grade is barely passing, but precariously dangling over the edge. Oh, my God, I'm failing P.E.!

And the good news doesn't end there. . . . I have four quizzes to study for, and I am so tired. And I feel sick, too. I think I'm coming down with a sore throat and colds. I just want to sleep. . . .

Ay, ewan. Pagod na 'ko.

Well, no romance for me now. I've just been passed over for another. I wish I could hate him--and to an extent, perhaps I do, but not really; maybe I'm just being bitter--but most of all, I'm actually hating myself for being a fool. But I don't want to talk about it; I've done nothing but think of it and cry about it for two days. I'm feeling much better now, and I've stopped dwelling on it, thankfully. . . . Now I suppose that all I need is closure.

Although in truth, I'm actually happy for them. I know that she'll make him so much happier than I could ever have hoped to.

Anyway. . . .

So, to cheer myself up, I just watched Pride and Prejudice. I absolutely adored it! :) Although I'm not a fan of Kiera Knightly, I did enjoy this film of hers (and I enjoyed Pirates of the Caribbean as well). I love love love Pride and Prejudice! I loved Sense and Sensibility as well, so when I saw Pride and Prejudice, I knew that I had to watch it. I have a crush on Mr. Darcy, played by Matthew Macfadyen. He sort of reminds me of a younger Alan Rickman (who is still hot, despite his age!).

Anyway, that is that.

So, I went out with my high school friends yesterday, and I had a blast.  It was so much fun. I wore pink to celebrate my new "freedom" from men, while my other friend who'd just broken up with her boyfriend wore a revealing top and fancy earrings to celebrate her freedom.

Anyway, so we were going to meet up at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and while waiting, I had a bit of a cookie, half a slice of blueberry cheesecake, and a White Chocolate Dream, which was absolutely yummy. Some of my friends then arrived, then we just chatted and took pictures of one another while waiting for everyone else to come. When we were complete, we went to have lunch at Cafe Bola (which wasn't all that good for me because I ordered the wrong thing, I daresay). More pictures were taken. Then, we went to watch The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe again ( ) and half of us salivated Edmund (MINE!) while the other half of us salivated over Peter.  We had popcorn in the theater. Yes, more food. And then, after watching the film, we met up with another of our friends, then we had some fruit smoothies. More pictures were taken, and then, we went to buy Haagen-Dazs. Yes, even more food!  After that, we went window shopping. We went around the mall a bit, tried on clothes, salivated over pretty items, and "considered" buying them but decided not to anyway.  Afterwards we then went to have dinner while waiting for another friend. Dinner was at Cafe Breton, and I had an open crepe with an egg, some bacon, and tomatoes. Heaven. And yes, even more food. Pictures once more were taken, then we went around walking and conducting an "experiment" to see who among the guys we'd pass would look at us.  That was fun. We counted more than thirty, I believe.  Lastly for me, we met up with the last friend we were waiting for, and we chatted and took some pictures before I had to go home. At the end of it all, I feel happy because it's not often that my friends and I get to meet, especially with our busy schedules. I'm glad that this outing was worth it; I had a fun time. :)

Here's to friends and freedom! Cheers.

So, my college friends came over today to do part of a project for Socio-Anthropology. It was so much fun. :) We lounged around, ate a lot, and still finished our work! Fun. We then drove over to the mall nearby, had Starbucks, went to the arcade, and just hung out.

I loved today, and I hope that we can do it again.

The only thing that spoils today is the thought of all the homework I have to do for tomorrow. Damn that. But I will try my best to just keep today stress-free. I want to relax and to enjoy this rare moment of peace and enjoyment. :)

Oh, and the muse has awoken too! I feel like writing some new poetry! Yay. :D

Since others before me have put it in precicely the words I wish to say to you, I shall let them do the talking for me.

Here is my farewell to you:

It's nice to know that you were there

--Excerpt from Avril Lavigne's (So Much For) My Happy Ending

And here is my plea for salvation.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding. . . .

--Excerpt from Oasis' Wonderwall

I wish I could say that it was over in my heart, but I just can't. . . .

There're so many things niggling at me right now, and I wish I could release them from my psyche, but it seems impossible as of now.

Right now, what's been bothering me the most . . . my academic performance. My grades would be high enough for me on a regular basis, but now that there's a cutoff grade . . . I feel as if I'm floundering. I try to strive, to work hard, and nothing comes of it. . . . I feel so lethargic now, because I work, and I still don't achieve the results I want. . . . Sometimes I feel that it's my fault--if only I'd been more intelligent . . . but I've no one to blame but me for my own mistakes. The thing is . . . I'm too emotionally tired right now to go the extra mile, so I find myself getting by . . . and that's not enough for me. I need motivation. I need to rejuvenate my soul. I need a break.

I'm scared of not making it into second year because of the cutoff grade. I'm scared of what my parents will say. I'm scared of what my high school friends will think of me. I'm scared of what my relatives will say about me while I'm not around or my family's not around. I'm scared of how my college friends would look at me if I didn't make it.

I'm scared of not making it to second year.

So scared that I feel my grief and anxiety build daily, and while I resist the flow of tears to my eyes, I weep inside.

The finals are next week. I don't want to get bad grades during the finals. I'm going to turn this downward streak up. I've done this before; I can do it again. And so, I vow to myself . . . this weekend, I will rejuvenate myself. I will refresh my soul, so that come Monday, I will be re-energized and renewed. I will be ready to face the world once again. And I will take on my subjects. I will take on their challenges. I will pass with flying colors.

I will make the cutoff grade for the second semester of the course Bachelor of Science in Nursing.

The checkmark is my power symbol.

But for now . . . let me lick my wounds in private. . . .

And . . . on to the second thing. . . . I dreamt of him last night. Sigmund Freud's right; dreams are methods of wish fulfillment. I dreamt that I made him sit in my room and made him listen to my grief regarding his having chosen someone else. I wept for us, for him, and for me.

How many more tears will you make me shed for you?

I thought it was finished. I thought that I'd gotten over being passed over. I thought that I no longer minded his having another girlfriend. And I honestly think that she and he are having a good time. They match each other, and they make each other happy. I can't give him what he gives her. I wish them the best. . . .

But why does it hurt still?

I thought I was over it.

And yet, it seems that I still have tears to cry.

That's it. No more tears. No more what-ifs and whyfores.

This wound has to mend, and I will make it mend, no matter what it takes.

I refuse to cry over you any longer.

by Me.

---

“But please,” she says, hesitation written very clearly on her face, “I don’t know you. . . .”

He nods in silent affirmation, and silvery light glimmers in her eyes, bespeaking of her tears.

He holds out his hand. She looks at it, her expression one of fear, of confusion, of longing, of hunger, of love. . . .

A streetlamp flickers ominously in the distance. The rain continues to pour down in torrents, mixing with her tears, her blood, and her wonder.

She takes his hand and fits her tiny fingers into his.

And she knows that her forever lies in his smile.


Take my hand; fit my fingers into yours
Make me look into the shadows of your eyes, and
Tell me of the dark secrets of salvation.

Take my hand; lead me through the velvet night
Make me plunge into the thorns and dying roses;
Tell me of how the road winds endlessly on.

Take my hand; shield my eyes from the glare
Make me dwell in the honeyed deceit of your smile;
Tell me of how you’re here to save me. . . .

Take my hand; fit my fingers into yours
Make me look into the shadows of your eyes, and
Whisper to me promises of salvation.
Please, I need you to save me. . . .
And perhaps . . . I think I love you.

---

So . . . are you wondering? *grin*

Sometimes, when I find myself feeling spurned and hateful, I wonder . . . would it have been better if I'd just never felt that way for him? If he'd never come into my heart like that, so that I won't be feeling this sort of rage and hurt?

And I guess that my own answer would be no. He and this experience made me a smarter person, and as I've said before, I value my intelligence (mostly) above all things.

And, on a cheesier note . . . I now quote from Moulin Rouge.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love . . . and be loved in return.

I cannot call what I felt for him love, but it wasn't just "like" either, and neither was it infatuation. Sigh.

I know that he felt the same, once. At least I have that.

Alright, no more drama! On to Chemistry, which is an entirely different drama all on its own. Haha.

On a totally random side note, this popcorn theme makes me so hungry. I love popcorn!  Especially buttered popcorn. Sigh. Now I'm hungry. . . .

I've just finished my part of my written report for Zoology. Our topic is parasitology.

Damn it, I've always hated worms. But now . . . I feel that my dislike for them has grown by leaps and bounds.

I never want to look at anything long, cylindrical, and malleable (?) . . . and soft and squishy . . . ever again. No more spaghetti for me. At least for a month. Even my computer wires look disturbing to me right now.

And yes, I never want to eat meat ever again. I've seen too many pictures of pigs' intestines stuffed with roundworms to scar me for a lifetime. And I'm not even doing my hospital rounds yet! I'm sure there're bound to be some extreme cases of parasitic infection there somewhere.

Wah.

Who am I joking when I say that I'm over it?

Well, I'm over him, that's for sure. I'm truthful and objective when I say that all romantic feelings for him have left my person.

What I'm not over is their lack of propriety.

Damn him. And damn me for allowing myself to play his game.

I'll never get over you getting over me . . . not because I'm still pining for you, but because you can't stop flaunting it in my face and displaying your total lack of etiquette, you bastard.

First off, to whomsoever may be reading this . . . Happy Valentine's Day. :)

Today was both a good and a bad day for me. . . . I guess it went from good to bad, actually. But instead of discussing it chronologically, I guess I'll just discuss it starting with the bad and then ending with the good.

So, first off, today was a bad day because of my damn preliminary grades. I feel like I got low in each and every single fucking test I took. This is not good because damn it, I have that cutoff grade I'm aiming for, and I'm not any closer to it than I was at the beginning of the semester. People comforted me by saying that they're sure I'm safe, and that I can't possibly be one of those fifty people with the lowest grades who will be leaving next year. I wish I had their confidence. I felt so down about my grades that I actually cried. I hate crying in public. For me, crying is a sign of weakness, and so, I avoid it as much as possible . . . though I also do understand that crying is natural and everyone has the right to his/her catharsis through crying. I guess that that was my catharsis. Imagine, I was crying in the middle of a public walkway . . . ah, well. What's done is done. All I know is that I'm going to make it. I'm going to work doubly hard, and I'm going to make sure that I get the place that I deserve in the Batch of 2009 of the Bachelors of Science in Nursing.

And the second bad thing . . . I have a Chemistry report to do this Thursday, and I am not looking forward to it, as Chemistry was always my worst subject. Gah. I also have the parasitology report to deliver on Friday. That, I can handle. Chemistry . . . I'm scared.

Anyway, moving on to the good . . .

I'm really thankful that so many of my classmates comforted me today while I cried. I love them all. Thanks, you guys.

Today was generally a pleasant day for me. I liked the atmosphere around the campus; most people were cheerful and sweet, and the place was generally bustling with happy activity. I wish that the campus always had that positive vibe.

I received chocolates from one of my guy friends. He's so nice. :)

Before, I spoke to one of my guy friends about the gifts that men give to women. I said that I didn't like flowers because they give me asthma; they're useless; and, I don't find them aesthetically pleasing anyway. So when he asked me what I'd prefer to get, I said (with a lot of dry humor), "A guy should just give me a stapler or a puncher. It's practical; I have a use for it; and, at least when I staple or punch something, I'll always remember him." I was serious about that statement, although I also do find it quite amusing. So . . . lo and behold, today, he gave me a staple. Complete with staple wire.  That was nice. Haha.

We ate lunch in this Chinese restaurant called Dimsum and Dumplings, and I enjoyed my food. I then had ice cream. Yum.  The part of that I didn't enjoy was hanging out with him and with his new girlfriend, but that was tolerable.

And, now onto the super highlight of my day . . . a test tube in Chemistry laboratory burst into flame today! Haha. As in, the flame was probably a foot high! Then . . . it started spitting fire! You know, with those "whooshing" sounds that fire makes. It was so funny. The entire class was screaming. Then, the lab technician comes . . . and blows it out like a candle. And that was the end of that. We were laughing our heads off because none of us could approach it, and that was all it would take to blow the fire out.

I looked at my teachers after the incident while they were grading papers on their desk . . . they just looked amused. They weren't even fazed. Haha!

Anyway, I guess that's that . . . I feel sort of down right now, because I have to work on that blasted Chemistry report. . . . But I'll be okay. This is a happy day, of course. It's SAD day--Happy Singles' Awareness Day! Haha.

So, lots have happened since my last entry, and I'll do a really quick recount of everything.

Yesterday, we had the class picture taking, which was lots of fun. It was also that day that my groupmates in Chemistry Lab and I gave our reporting for lipids, which was hellish. Thank goodness I survived, and I think that I did fairly well. I didn't do so well during the test afterwards, but that's alright. I've made a vow that from here on, I'll do well in my studies. And I will. :)

Yesterday, I also allowed myself to relax for a while. My next homework's due on Monday, so I thought, after the week's hard work, I should be allowed a little break. So, when I went to sleep early . . . guess what.

I dreamt of him. Again.

Yet again, it was another bit of wishful thinking/wish fulfillment. This time, instead of facing him alone in my room, I dreamt that I faced him and his girlfriend, and I told him that while I was happy for the both of them, I was sad for myself because I waited for months for him to do something, but he didn't. And then, I sobbed.

I both wish and don't wish that I could do the same thing in real life. Sigh. When will he and this forever leave my psyche? When?

Anyway, moving on to today. This morning, I dissected a frog. The smell of the formalin was disgusting. I felt like vomiting at one point because of the smell of the formalin. It hurt the nose and the eyes terribly, too! The dissected frog now sits, submerged in isopropyl alcohol, on my desk, next to the dried skeleton of another dissected frog. Guh. I have to study all muscles and bones of said frogs for my exam on Monday. In this one, I swear that I will do very well. I must.

Moving on . . . thank goodness it's the weekend. I really need a break. I'm going out with my friends tomorrow, and while I'm looking forward to that, I also wish that I could have some rest . . . but ah, what friends do for friends.

And that's that. So tired.

Right now, I'm totally enjoying Only One by Yellowcard. Next, I will enjoy Dragostea din tei (the Numa numa, mai-ya hi! song) by O-Zone, Stickwitu by the Pussycat Dolls, and Helena by My Chemical Romance.

I'm supposed to be studying for a Socio-Anthropology long test (it seems to me that a number of my posts begin this way . . . ) but I think I'll take some time out first. I just got home, and I'm still not in the mood to study . . . perhaps in a few minutes. I vow that by 7:30 P.M., I will get my ass moving. (It is 7:07 P.M. as I type.)

Lately, I've been spending more time with him and with her. You know what? I'm actually enjoying their company. There are of course some moments in which I still feel murderous, but they're rarer nowadays. I find myself appreciating their time with me. I guess now I see that the whole situation was truly a blessing in disguise; I knew that he and I were never meant to be together like that anyway, and now, this situation has acted as the catalyst for us to become friends. I'm thankful for that, actually. Now, I guess instead of thinking of it as losing one crush and making one enemy, I'm beginning to see it from the angle that I've actually made two new friends. And I feel happy about this because this is the response I would like to have every time I'm faced with something difficult (as I've mentioned in this entry). I've responded with love, and I'm proud of myself. :) Of course, there'll always be those difficult moments in which I'll feel bad--it's only natural--but the important thing is that I see them both as friends, which is what they truly are to me. :)

Moving on . . .

I binged today. I ate lots of stuff from Taco Bell. I'm supposed to be losing weight!  I have so many activities lined up soon, like clubbing, all of which require outfits that I'd like to carry off nicely. Must. Lose. Weight! Gah!

And it doesn't help that my layout contains popcorn. . . . *grin*

It is now 7:21 P.M.. Have to get moving! Must! Get! Moving!

I am so tired.

I want to just sleep in the cradle of the glassy ocean for eternity, dreaming in the blue forever flame.

My life as of late has been a mad whirlwind of tests, assignments, projects, and many other things, amidst smatterings of wishful thinking (die, Org Chem, die!). Sometimes I'm surprised that I don't just collapse (although sometimes I feel that I want to).

My brother recently has just received his pin, which is the male Nursing equivalent for the Nurse's cap. I'm very proud of him. Something quite strange happened during the ceremony, though. So, the setting is, it's a few minutes before starting time, and my brother introduced me to his dean.

BRO: "Ma'am, I would like to introduce my little sister to you." [Insert other random introductory details here.]

DEAN: [After a moment's scrutiny of my person, she puts on a wryly amused smile and says:] "Are you sure she's your sister?"

I don't know whether I should be traumatized, offended, amused, or all of the above. I pick the last one.

Anyway, moving on to my stress. . . . I just keep telling myself to hold on. There're only a few more weeks left. Three weeks remain of my first year of Nursing, counting this week that has now begun.

Three weeks.

It seems like yesterday when I was worrying about my first day of school.

Where has the time gone?

P.S. - a wrap-up essay of freshmen year of BSN will, of course, be written once it's finished. However, I do believe that it's not over until the fat lady sings, and this fat lady happens to carry a very important list that will decide if I passed the quota or not. Damn her.

There are a few embarassing moments in a person's life, and I am sort of having one for myself.

I watched a movie yesterday in which one of the main songs of its OST was I Swear by All-4-One, and, surprisingly enough, the song made me feel mushy. You know, all warm and fuzzy inside . . . except empty, because there's no one in my life really to appease and stoke that warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

So, I have come to the horrifying conclusion that . . .

I want a guy.

Damn it all.

The lymph node behind my left ear is swollen. For no apparent reason. I mean, it's obvious that I have an infection near there, but the doctors say that my ears are fine.

Damn it all.

My range of motion is affected, too. I can't even turn my head properly without wincing in pain. Good God.

And, most importantly . . . my painkillers aren't working enough. It fucking hurts!

I hope that my antibiotics get to work. Quickly. It's like having a perpetual cramp in your neck, except worse.

ARGH!

Tired of this charade

Masquerades of muslin and lace

Tinted of sandalwood and roses

Spun by Shahrazad herself;

For the wings of this heart

Have far too long

Beat against your gilded cage

Torn by your pearls and your rubies

And these stygian tears

Have far too long

Gleamed darkly through pursing emerald silk

And peacock plumes of blue

And these curling hands

Have far too long

Clutched feebly against your sinuous flesh

Desperate in their efforts to please

And this rushing, throbbing desires

Have far too long

Rushed weakly beneath your questing palm

As this body rises swiftly to your bidding

For this humble one knows

Just as the stars dance across the firmament

That your eyes shall never truly behold this one

That lies in wait for you

Intoxicated by the sweetest wine

That is none other than your own

Drunk on verses and quatrains

Prettier than that of the Rubáiyát;

And as the incense wafts up sweetly

To the damask canopy of this love

I gaze upon you, O light of my eyes;

I am forever yours, forever true

And as you command me

To lie prostrate before you

No matter how I weep, I know

To hear you is to obey.

Well, it’s over.

I can’t believe that my freshmen year of college is over.

It only hit me today because I realized that while it’s Monday today, I didn’t have to wake up early because I’ve no class today. And it’s not because I have a long weekend either. There’re just no more classes left. It’s a strange realization. Come second semester, I remember fervently praying for the end because I felt that I couldn’t take any more of the stress. And no mistake, I feel the wounds of the pressure, the fatigue, and the stress slowly healing under the knowledge that I can finally rest. However, I’m just a little astonished because I feel like those last moments were just snatched from my hands in the blink of an eye. Nevertheless, I’m glad it’s finished. No more Chemistry Laboratory Conferences, which were the highlights of my year—since the gouts of blood from the carnage after the reporting are still fresh in my memory. Haha. Chemistry was pretty much what murdered me this year.

However, beneath this realization of “it’s over,” I’ve still got to wait. The fat lady hasn’t sung yet. She’s already given the time of her performance—April 6, 2006. Doomsday.

April 6, 2006 will be a literal fork in the road of my life. That is the date in which the list of those accepted into sophomore year will be released. If I’m on that list, then I will be one step closer to being the nurse that I wish I could be. If I’m not, then . . . the bend in the road will take me elsewhere—to another place—where I can fulfill my dreams. I’ve been praying fervently that I’ll find myself on that list and one step closer to the finish line of the thousand miles I’ve got to endure on the way to where my dreams are. There is a quiet dread, sorrow, and anticipation as I wait . . . and there is nothing else to do but wait, and fear in the silence of my thoughts.

It’s amazing how time has sped me to this limbo of waiting. It seems like yesterday when I first stepped foot into the Medicine Building, climbed the flight of stairs to the second floor, and met the group of people that I would be spending my freshman year of Nursing with. I made my first impressions, and others made their impressions of me, and we all watched, waited, and tested the waters together. It’s amazing where time has brought me, but I’m glad that it has rushed me to the friends I have now, who are all incredibly amazing people. I think that we all didn’t expect that we would spend the last few moments of the year together, but I’m glad we did. It was a wonderful experience, and I shan’t forget it. They made me a new and better person, reminded me of what I once was, and helped me towards what I want to be. To all of you . . . you know who you are . . . these wonderful friends with whom I spent the last moments of BSN 1 – 5 . . . thank you, and good luck. I hope that April 6 will bring us all the happy ending that we’ve wished for the very moment we set foot in Room 222 and into this life that is called the Bachelor of Science in Nursing.

To all the people I’ve met along the way . . . I’m glad that I got to know you. You’ve all helped shape me into who I am today. This course has changed my life and has changed me for the better. I’ve learned a lot of things, both from the people and the experiences I’ve had. I can only hope that my life will continue to change and develop in the same way next school year—with you guys.

Here’s to the future, friends. Hope to see you soon.

And now, I return to my vigil.

People always wonder why I say that this time between the last day of class and April 6 is my mourning period. Well, it's like advent before Christmas. You wait and you prepare yourself. Hopefully, though, April 6 will be a happy ending to this waiting season.

People always say that they have confidence in me and that I will make it. I wish that their confidence in me was the same as my confidence in myself.

I'm really scared.

Well, it is now April 1st. There are five days left until the dawn of the fateful April 6, and there are twelve days left until my birthday on the 13th. I can't believe I'm turning nineteen. . . .

Here's to the future. May it be a bright one for all of us. :)

Gazing at a mauve horizon, where the clouds boil of dreams and decay, there in the distance awaits a silver shore; the sands are broken slivers of my nights, and the unmoving waves are the frosted remnants of my dusks; and the wilting vespertine nightshade that I am, I dance in the acrid wind that steals my life even as I breathe in its fragrant poison; forever leaping in bolts of damask cloth and gossamer scarves of the palest blue and the most delicate cream; hints of sandalwood incense tickling my senses; I am your belladonna, and I dance only for you; leaping from the belfry of my thoughts and into the crystalline light that shatters in my grasp; the rain comes, and the sky weeps the remnants of what was once light and beauty; pieces of my phantasms blooming in your palms; open-mouthed and gasping for life; pretty phrases and drooping dreams, pursing lips and gleaming eyes; curling hands and swaying flesh; flowing silk and tinkling bells; softest psalms and thundering descants; quatrains with no count, and sonnets with no rhyme; you; me; them; he; she; mine; yours; all yours; I.

The list of the accepted sophomores was released yesterday.

I MADE IT!

I passed the cutoff grade to qualify for entry into second year Nursing!

I thank the Lord because He made all of my tears, sweat, late nights, and hard work all worth it.

And of course, I also won't forget the people who helped me along the way, whether they gave me advice, gave me moral support, helped me understand a tricky concept, or were just there to listen while I ranted, cried, and sulked about my grades. Thank you.

I MADE IT!!!

Here I come!

This is fun.

I'm awake during the wee hours of the night . . . or should I say, the morning . . . the sole creature in this household awake and fully cognizant. Vacation is fun. ;)

Anyway, in my attempts to find some pleasant diversions to amuse myself with during this summer break, I found myself looking for Role-Playing Games (RPG's) that I could enjoy. My search led me to two games, one of which is . . . Pokémon. Yes, scoff if you like. I'm scoffing at myself as well. (Haha.) Well, so far I've been enjoying whittling my time away on the game, collecting as many pokémon as I can and leveling up my favorites. (Charizard was always my favorite.) I feel positively twelve again. Haha.

Anyway, as I've mentioned, my search has led me to two games so far. The other would be Chrono Trigger, the predecessor of Chrono Cross, which I love and adore. Chrono Cross is dear to me for literary, gaming, and sentimental reasons--the plot is fabulously complex, rich in detail, vivid, and evocative; the battle system is unique and enjoyable; and, lastly, I played Chrono Cross during a time in my life when I was posed with the same questions Serge had to answer in his own existence. (Of course, not with the same gravity, but the essence is there . . .) Chrono Cross is my favorite of all RPG's, after which is Final Fantasy IX, for the reason that Zidane also faces similar questions in his life that Serge does as well.

Spoilers abound! If you have plans of playing either one of the games, despite Chrono Cross being five years old and Chrono Trigger being ten years old, then skip the next paragraph!

Chrono Trigger so far is also very enjoyable as well. Of course, it isn't as beautiful as Chrono Cross with regards to graphics, seeing as Chrono Trigger was initially made for the SNES. Nevertheless, the storyline is also very intriguing. However, there are many differences between the two games. Chrono Cross deals with travel between two alternate dimensions in the same time. Chrono Trigger deals with travel between one and the same universe, except through different times. This makes for a very interesting contrast. In addition, the plot of Chrono Trigger is pretty straightforward, whereas the plot of Chrono Cross is very complex. Both, however, are exciting. In both games, though, the protagonists have to deal with Lavos--the destroyer of their world. Both the games have references to both science and myth: it was said that Lavos crashed into the planet and burrowed deep into the ground, sleeping and gaining strength. Its collision with the planet wiped out all reptiles and began an ice age in which the mammals and humanity adapted and flourished. (Sound familiar?) As Lavos slept, it forcefully made the creatures on the planet evolve into higher life forms capable of taking its own DNA, planning one day to merge itself with the highest life forms to produce offspring. In Chrono Trigger, Crono accidentally travels forward in time to a barren wasteland of what was once a thriving and industrialized world, and there he discovers that Lavos rose from the earth and destroyed the planet in 1999 A.D.. (Nostradamus' prediction, anyone? You know, the Millenium Bug, the End of Days, and all that?) Anyway, disturbed by everything he sees, Crono and his friends decide to travel through time to save the world as we know it from the parasitic alien that is Lavos. In Chrono Cross, Serge deals with two incarnations of Lavos: the Frozen Flame, a part of Lavos' core (I think) that was sheared off during its collision with the earth, and the Time Devourer, which had assimilated Schala from Chrono Trigger.

However, in Chrono Cross, Serge's initial motive is simply to find out what's going on in his alternate universe, after which his motive is to prove himself worthy of existence, and again after which he knows he has to save the world. In Chrono Trigger, Crono is immediately tasked with righting history by saving Leene, the kidnapped queen of the Kingdom of Guardia, who was presumed to have been found because of Crono's companion, Marle (who is actually Princess Nadia of their present time, one of Leene's descendants). After that, he is also immediately tasked by his friends to save the world from Lavos. On a side note, I remember that Serge had to deal with Miguel in a square that had Nadia's Bell as its centerpiece. In Chrono Trigger, there's a square as well in which its centerpiece is Leene's Bell. Hmm . . .

It's quite obvious that Serge's world is the same as that of Crono's, except perhaps they're in different continents? One of the major enemies of the characters of Chrono Cross is the army of Porre. In Chrono Trigger, Porre seems to be a little village in the southern part of Crono's continent. Nevertheless, they are united because of the need to fight Lavos. Fabulous, isn't it?

Oh, and it has also been revealed to me that Crono's friend, Lucca, was the one who raised Kid from Chrono Trigger (Kid actually being Schala's clone). The connections between the two games are endless and fun to trace.

(It's safe again!)

So far, Chrono Trigger is proving to be a very fun and thought-provoking RPG, despite its fairly straightfoward (but completely wonderful) plot. It gives backstory to a lot of the things from Chrono Cross that I previously didn't quite understand. (And I like Janus/Magus!) I've always loved those "save the world" things, and I'm definitely enjoying this one. :D I want to know what happens next, yet I don't want the game to finish just yet!

I think I've rambled enough for this post. . . . Haha. :D (Rest assured that there will be more rambling as I progress through the game. . . .)

Moving on to the next topic . . . I have lockjaw. It hurts.

I felt kind of bad a while ago because as I was guiding my dad as he parked the car, he bumped the gate. No damage was done, but I still felt bad about it. However, I don't think it was entirely my fault, as I was already yelling "STOP!" when he hit the gate. He was very forgiving about it, but he said that I wasn't fast enough. Sigh. Even if he doesn't think it a big deal and even if no damage was done, I still feel bad.

Anyway. I think I shall finally turn in for the night.

Well, the Muses descended upon me last night, and I spent hours upon hours writing. I was able to finish two short stories! I'm very, very proud of myself.  I'm hoping that this streak of inspiration continues for a while, since I now actually have time to write again! Please, whatever Muses may be hovering about my shoulder right now, I implore you to stay and to have some tea and scones and whatever else that may tickle your fancy!

My jaw still hurts; it seems that the joint is still malfunctioning. The pain's better now, but I still can't open my mouth fully. I'm hoping that it will heal already. My sister-in-law who is a Physical Therapist has given me some exercises, and they've been helping. I'm just hoping that my jaw will heal soon!

It's actually my birthday tomorrow, but I don't feel it . . . I'm not too excited about turning nineteen, I guess. It'll be my last year as a teenager. Oh, woe is me.

Just watched American Idol . . . the show this week was okay, I guess. I was hoping that the singers would do Queen justice because I adore Queen . . . huh. I was disappointed. Katharine McPhee totally made Who Wants to Live Forever anticlimactic, by the way. She just screamed for emphasis--and she didn't even give "emphasis" to the right parts of the song. Too bad; I totally loved the Queen and Sarah Brightman versions. Sigh. But at least Taylor Hicks made Crazy Little Thing Called Love enjoyable. Hm . . . didn't know what to think of Kellie Pickler singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, and her inability to understand Simon's language to me was just . . . sad. It's not that hard, girl. Show some understanding of context clues.

Hm . . . seems that I was somewhat acerbic. Oh, well.

Anyway, I am now off to write some more. I shall come back for an update soon!

Happy birthday to me. . . .

So, I turned nineteen today. It was fun.  The family came over . . . we took lots of photos . . . I got to hang out with my two younger nieces (of ages three and five, if I'm not mistaken) . . . had very good food, and had very good Mudshake. Yum. Vodka with caramel is nice. And chocolate too.

I know it's going to be my last year as a teenager . . . but hey, since I've always been mourning "the death of my childhood" since I turned about seventeen, I thought that perhaps it was time to have a paradigm shift this year. Instead of hating the fact that I'm getting older (and that I'll be twenty next year--gasp!), I've decided that being nineteen will be dedicated to making my last year as a teenager fun, fulfilling, and worthwhile in all of its aspects.

Hm . . . I'm tired from today's festivities. But it's a nice kind of tired.

Here's to a new year for me! Cheers!

Okay. So, last night, I had a dream involving myself and Elliott Yamin from American Idol. In rather strange, bizarre, and not altogether unpleasant cirumstances. If anything, they were pleasant. Very pleasant indeed.

Er.

The amusing thing is that among the current male American Idol contestants, Elliott was the one I'd paid the least attention to.

The dream was yummy, though.

Makes me look at him in an entirely different light.

Now I know who I'll be looking at next episode . . .

I have a great, big, huge dilemma.

I have a pimple on my chin.

And I'm going clubbing tomorrow!

Oh, no! this is the end of my world! GASP!

Er. Yes. Anyway. Yes, it does bother me that I have a big pimple on my chin--oh, vanity, thy name is Victoria!--but hey, there isn't much I can do about it. I've been applying some anti-inflammatory medicine on it to hopefully reduce the swelling . . . I haven't seen much results, but I'm desperately hoping that it'll be gone or at least not-so-visible by tomorrow! Yes, you have all now witnessed my vain side. Oh, noooo!

Ah, well. These are the dilemmas that make life fun?

Anyway, I'm really excited to be going out with my high school friends tomorrow. We'll be having dinner as a belated celebration of my birthday, then we'll be going clubbing. Finally, I get to go dancing again. Gah, I hope the pimple's gone by tomorrow! (Yes, I'm vain and redundant. Someone sue me! Well, no, don't. I've got no money, and I'm actually legal. Bad combination.)

Perhaps I'd better go before I put my foot in my mouth any further. Wait, that might actually be better because then I'd gag myself and not be able to talk . . . because I'd suffocate myself. Er. Okay, I'd better go before I ramble about more nonsensical things. Heehee.

Bye bye!

So, what do my friends and I do in our spare time?

Why, we take porn star pictures, of course!

Heehee.

Anyway, so we went clubbing yesterday. It was an interesting experience. I was checking out this Japanese guy who was pretty good looking in my opinion, but I don't think he saw me. Damn it. There was this Caucasian guy who was smiling at me and wiggling his eyebrows, but he was a bit old. Thirty-something-ish? Sorry, but no.  (Don't mind older men. Au contraire, in fact; I like my men much older than me. But he wasn't exactly my type. He was buff . . . and short. XD)

Oh, and two of our male companions got hit on by this one girl who was totally throwing herself at them and grinding against the both of them with boobs, ass, and whatever else she had on. I was sardonically amused.

And . . . so this guy came onto my friend, and he asked her if I was her friend, and I said with an outrageous wink, "No, I'm her lesbian lover." (I'm not a lesbian, of course, but it's fun to pretend.)

To make this fun, I'll relay these series of events in prose form, like a story. Enjoy.

My friend then goes to check on my other friend in the bathroom (in a blatant attempt to ditch this loser), and so I'm left alone with the guy. He then asks me, "So, why aren't you two French kissing or something?" Complete with eyebrow-wiggling and lecherous grin.

Raising my eyebrows, I retort with a snarky laugh, "Why, you want to watch us?"

At that, he actually nods eagerly. I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

Since I'm a relatively nice girl, I try to be civil and I try to keep the mood light, despite my annoyance. I then joke, "You can watch us dance. But we won't kiss for you. You'll have to pay for that."

And the loser actually says, in a manner that was obviously meant to be suave but just came out sounding sad, "How much? Do I have to pay in dollars?"

Finally, my patience snapped, and I said, "You can't afford us." And with that, I leave him there.

My friend and I go to the bathroom and relay the events to our other friend, who's pretty much doubling over with laughter. Unfortunately, the line to the bathroom is long, so we leave her and return to the dance floor--a good distance away from Mr. Suave. Unfortunately, he finds us quickly.

Rolling our eyes at one another, my friend and I try to take the offensive approach: a lesbian PDA moment meant to put anyone ill at ease. Unfortunately, he just watched us as we gyrated against one another and tried to be as scandalous as possible. Finally, he leans over and says to us, "You guys make great partners."

What the hell?

He carries on some more mundane conversation lost in the blaring music and in the liquor. As far as I remember, he said he was already graduated and from a business management course. However, I doubt that, as he seemed younger than me, even. Or just a bit older. If he was lying, I wouldn't mind; I was lying about everything about me, from my sexuality to my school and my course, so no big. Finally, we ditched the loser when my friend went out for a smoke.

And that was the end of that escapade. It was annoyingly amusing.

It was a great evening, actually. Liquor, dancing, and flirtation--three of some of the best things in life. XD Too bad we had to deal with an annoying guy, but that's fine.

Can't wait 'til next time.

Yesterday, my family and I went to Splash Island because my sister-in-law and my niece were going to meet with their side of the family there. I went with my mom and my other niece on my dad's side. It was good fun. I am terribly sunburnt, but there's not much I can do about that. I am about as red as a lobster. Haha. It's a bit painful and largely itchy, but I've been putting lots of burn ointment on. Hopefully it heals soon.

Am still obsessed with Chrono Trigger. I read in my research that Crono and Marle end up marrying one another, which in all honesty disturbs me . . . it's quite obvious that they'd end up together, but I don't really want them together, as I prefer her with someone else. Ah, never mind. Aside from that, though, I'm loving the game. :D

I'm feeling annoyed and scared because I feel the beginnings of an illness coming on. Again.

I started feeling slightly dizzy yesterday afternoon, but I didn't mind it because I attributed it to improper sleeping habits. Yes, one of my worst habits is that I have this tendency to sleep very, very late. Perhaps it somehow brings down my resistence to bacteria and viruses. Anyway, it's still not very severe, but it's there, nagging at me. And now, I feel that it's beginning to get worse. I feel like I've just imbibed liquor or I've just taken a tranquilizer or something.

I hope it doesn't become something horrible.

I went to the hospital today to have laboratory tests done for two reasons: firstly, to pass so that I can gain clearance into sophomore year, and secondly, because my doctor told me to so that he could diagnose my illness. He also prescribed extra blood tests for me such as the fasting lipid profile and the serum electrolytes test, and as a result, they ended up drawing lots of blood from me. One huge syringe to fill up three vials. I was brave, though, so I'm very proud of myself.

Anyway, as the results turn out, I've an infection, and that's what's causing my illness. I'm now on medication: four pills, one of which is an antibiotic, and three of which are anti-vertigo. However, one of them (aside from being anti-vertigo) has a rather unnerving description as stated in the enclosed pamphlet, that description being: cerebral oxygenator. Oh, and I have to take this cerebral oxygenator for one whole month. Fabulous.

The upside of all this torture though is that it takes me closer to wellness. So, I will bear it, because I'd rather go through all sorts of tests and end up well than to just hope it goes away and to find that it never does. All the other results for the tests required to enter second year were satisfactory, though, for which I'm glad.

I'm sad, though, that I wasn't able to attend my friend's debut today. I'm sure it was great. Oh, well. Perhaps some other time. Even if I'd attended, I wouldn't have been much fun anyway. I'd just end up collapsing all over the place.

Sigh. I hate being sickly. But hey, it's in my genes. Not much I can do there . . . except for damage control. Haha.

For now, there's not much to do but to drink my medicine and to rest. I hope I get well soon.

Oh, I sandwiched an allusion to Shakespeare somewhere around. Can you spot it? I'll owe you a cookie if you do just for tickling my fancy. :D

Why is it that my mother has no qualms about calling me stupid?

My dizziness is not getting any better, unfortunately, and it's worrying me.

What my doctors have said is worrying me too.

Apparently, if my dizziness doesn't abate within the next ten days, I will have to undergo a CT scan and MRI to check for tumors.

There's been a mention of surgery.

That really frightens me.

I hope that I get well within the next ten days.

Tomorrow, I'll be undergoing a preliminary test to check my hearing. If something's wrong there, then it's straight to the CT scan. If nothing's wrong, then I wait out the ten days. If by ten days I'm not any better, then the CT scan and MRI are due.

Please, please . . . I want to get better soon. One surgery is enough.

I hope that I get well within the next ten days.

I'm still working on being brave, though; I had two vaccines today--one on each arm--and I didn't have a nervous breakdown. I'm proud of myself. I will continue being brave. Duty calls. One cannot be a cowardly nurse. (Although being a cowardly patient is another thing.)

I'm so tired of being sickly.

Just . . . please . . . I hope that I get well within the next ten days.

Many things have happened between my last entry and this one, and I guess I shall begin this one by picking up from where I left off last time.

Regarding the sickness that has been plaguing me for one entire month, it's much better now; the last medication I took alleviated the dizziness a lot, and the rest of it just faded on its own. I was actually due for my CT scan yesterday, but I went to the doctor beforehand, and he performed a number of tests on me to check my balance and the results came out good. He therefore decreed that I didn't need a CT scan anymore, much to my relief. Anyway, I can really feel the improvement now; I still have a few dizzy fits during the day, but they're very rare now and they last only for a little while. Even though that means I'm not completely well yet, at least I know that there is improvement. It took a month to leave me, and it still hasn't left me completely, but the dizziness is now better by leaps and bounds.

Again, I want to take this opportunity to thank all the special people who constantly checked in on my progress and showed concern. Thank you, friends. Your encouragement was much appreciated.

My computer is also fixed now. It broke sometime in the middle of May, but a few days ago, when I was feeling particularly well and my brother was free, we worked on it together. It's good as new now, thankfully, and ready to go for school.

Speaking of school . . . class starts in four days, and I'm actually a little nervous about it. Perhaps it's an irrational nervousness, but everyone I know who is taking or has finished Nursing always tells me that it's an uphill climb, only getting more and more difficult as the years go past. I know that just a few months back I was desperately wishing to pass first year, and now that it's finished, it's as if the fear I dedicated to failing first year has now been allotted by my brain and heart to a new fear: second year. Well, all's been said and done now: what's done is done, and there's nothing I can do about it but face this fear, really. I just hope that I won't have any severe dizzy fits when school starts.

Following my train of thought regarding school . . . I've started preparing myself mentally for it, asking my brother about what to expect, et cetera.

Also, my preparations for school didn't just stop at mental preparation. My doctor suggested that I get some exercise now that I'm feeling better, and I chose the most strenuous exercise possible that is accessible to me, which is: cleaning my room. I went about this yesterday. I swear, there's a mini-tornado lurking somewhere in my quarters. Perhaps it hides in my closet among my socks. What is my proof that it is there? I just clean my room one day, and poof, when I glance and take notice again, everything is once again a mess. Anyway, for the meantime, it's nice to have a squeaky clean room.

And that is about it, really.

Good God, I'm nervous. Harhar.

Wow, I've been blogging in Mindsay for a year!

I've had 108 entries . . .

Here's to more this year! Cheers!

Well, today was the first day of my second year of Nursing.

Good lord.

We were waiting for the ride to take us to the hospital . . . and it left without the entire class! Good thing there was another bus.

It was straight to the hospital right away for a lecture on maternal nursing. How to deliver a baby, the multiple fetal positions, how to document the important information relating to both mother and child (which isn't as easy as it looks, because the form has questions such as "[the measurement of] cervical dilation," "gravida," "contractions per ten minutes," et cetera, all of which have their own "codes" that we'll be using to answer) . . .

Then, the bus that drove us there . . . did not come back for us.

I had to hitch a ride with a friend.

I'm tired already--and it's only the first day.

Suffice it to say . . . I know I'm in for one hell of a ride.

Everyone around me is in love.

Or "in like," at the very least.

I don't know why it is that I'm so cynical, but when I hear young new couples telling each other "I love you," I react with much skepticism.

I don't know why I have so little faith in "love."

It's not so much the emotion of love. It's the words that I have no faith in.

It's easy to say "I love you" and mean something else, like "I'm infatuated with you" or "I lust for you" or even "I really admire you." It's easy to blurt out those three fatal words that will change your life forever in the heat of the moment.

I've seen enough people and couples claiming that they love each other and then eventually (and oftentimes even rather quickly) breaking up. I find it ridiculous.

Don't say "I love you" unless you know you mean it. Unless you know it deep, deep down inside--and not in your groin, and not even in the searing, heady feeling in your heart.

It's funny how it works out for some people.

My parents met during Christmas. Two weeks later, they were a couple. By May, they were married. And they've been together for thirty-seven years, and still going strong. They still hold hands when they walk together, and they still go out on dates.

Whereas I know a couple who was together for seven years before marriage, and after a year of marriage, they called it quits.

How does it work out for some people?

How is it that my parents knew that they loved each other the moment they met?

How is it that some couples believe themselves to be in love for the longest time, only to find out that they were blinded by one thing or another?

When do you know that you love a person?

When do you know that it's the right time to say it?

I have no faith in the word "love."

But I do have faith in love.

. . . otherwise known as the ever-famous Ode to Joy, which includes text from Friedrich Schiller's An die Freude (Ode to Joy).

Oh friends, not these tones!
Rather let us sing more
cheerful and more joyful ones.

Finally, it is the end of one of the most excruciating academic weeks I've had in my entire life as a student.

This entire week, I've gotten only around three to four hours of sleep each night, which basically means that I've been sleepy and lethargic for five days.

The painful thing is that it doesn't stop here. I still have a lot of things to do for the next week. And according to many other reliable sources (i.e. my brother and my friends who are either my upperclassmen or graduates of BSN), this isn't even the beginning. It's an uphill climb that just gets harder and harder as you go on.

But anyway, I don't want this entire post to be just about me whinging about life, because many good things have happened as well.

And they've happened because of my friends.

To my friends (you know who you are):
You guys make Nursing worthwhile.

And finally, just as I began this post with a translated excerpt from the text of Symphony no. 9, I shall end it with another excerpt.

Glad, as His suns fly
Through the Heavens' glorious plan,
Run, brothers, your race,
Joyful, as a hero to victory.

This race is far from over--in fact, it's only just begun--and the finish line is still far away. But if we look hard enough, it's there. And I, despite my aching joints and tiring limbs, despite the thoughts of despair and exhaustion that are overwhelming and may overwhelm me, have no plans of losing sight of that glorious finish that awaits us all.

God give us strength. Here's to us and to more murderous weeks. Cheers.

On a side note . . . it seems that I love songs in the key of D. Canon in D by Pachelbel is one of my favorites too.

A friend of mine asked herself the question, "Who would you rather choose? The guy you love or the guy who loves you?"

I thought it was a good question, so I thought I'd answer it myself.

My friend said that you should pick the guy you love. Makes sense. After all, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It's true, of course. Carpe diem and all that.

But.

My answer is different.

While my initial answer was also "the guy I love," I changed my mind.

I would pick neither.

Why?

Firstly, I could never pick a guy who loved me but I didn't love back. I would be suffocated. I'd hate him; I'd hate me for agreeing to be with him; I'd hate us. I would just want out. Period. I know because I've been in a situation like this. I felt like the world was crashing down upon me.

So, that's out of the question.

Secondly . . . why wouldn't I pick the guy I love?

Because I'm a martyr this way.

I know what it feels like to like someone who doesn't like you back. Or, in my case, someone who I thought liked me back but ended up with someone else.

I believe in the whole, "If you love someone, you'll set them free" enchilada.

And I'm not one to pine, either.

I know myself well enough.

If I like someone who doesn't like me back, I don't persist. I "set him free." Let him do what he wants to do. And my sheer power of will, I squelch the feelings, tuck them deep inside until they're so deeply buried I can hardly find them again, and eventually, allow them to die a natural death by asphyxiation.

It's better that way.

I don't force myself on him, and he's happy. In the same way that I don't want someone madly in love with me doting on me, I don't want to do the same to someone else.

So, once again, what is my answer?

Neither.

I would pick neither.

Loneliness and martyrdom . . . here I come.

. . . for my tests in Microparasitology lecture and laboratory tomorrow, but I'm not. Yet, anyway.

I know that I've begun at least a dozen posts with the statement "I should be studying."

Anyway, I know my priorities; I'll get to studying later. For now, I feel like writing, though I don't really know why.

I feel wistful today. I want to be doing so many things right now that I can't . . . in other words, I want to be anywhere but here.

Lately I've been daydreaming of having a guy . . . but I know I don't have time for a guy right now in my life. My schedule is busy enough as it is.

Also, right now, I'm listening to the Dance station of my Yahoo!Messenger and daydreaming that I'm off clubbing and not segmenting my time into study periods. Sigh.

It's raining right now.

Wow, I have nothing really too relevant to say. I guess I just feel like writing without really having something specific to ramble about.

Sigh.

I want to go clubbing.

I want to know what love is . . .

I want you to show me?

Good Lord. I'm getting cheesier by the day.

You. Why the hell can't I make my mind up about you?

You. Why do you make me think things?

You. Who do you really want?

You. Just get out of my life.

You. I know I want you.

Despite and in spite of myself . . . why?

Today was every bit as harrowing as I expected.

Went to two health centers and then back to the university.

Had return demonstrations on vital signs and a quiz on Microparasitology.

Was supposed to have return demonstrations on parenteral administration of drugs (namely intramuscular and intradermal injections) but my entire group forgot our waivers and the ID's of our legal guardians, so we weren't allowed, despite about half of us being of and above legal age (myself included among those, being 19).

The rest of the class had their return demonstrations on injections, though.

Will have ours tomorrow. I'm a bit scared.

But I'll do it. I have to. I'll brave it.

Wah.

I really want you.

I really want to be with you.

But I can't.

But we can't.

Will it always be this way?

Do I dare say I love you?

The past few weeks have been horribly stressful, but thank God for weekends.

These past two days have been an oasis.

Actually, I should've gone to school yesterday too, but thank goodness that my Clinical Instructor (CI for short) cancelled our Saturday meeting.

And technically I had something else to do in school yesterday, but . . . oh, well. I can do it tomorrow.

I'm really tired. I wish that today was Saturday again instead of Sunday, but I guess I'll have to accept it. Life goes on.

More injections tomorrow. I've finished my intradermal injections and I'm proud to say that I got it right the first try (though I had to be injected thrice because my partner kept making mistakes . . . though at least nothing else untoward happened--I know someone who actually got hematoma because of her partner's injections). Intramuscular injections are due tomorrow. At least those are easier than intradermal injections.

I have more stuff to read and do later, but I'll get to them later. Sigh. I swear, all this work is wearing me down. But, oh, well. As I've said, I chose to be in this course. That means that I chose to do all of this hard work. And I'm not backing out.

I just wish I could get some rest.

Moving on . . .

I watched High School Musical yesterday for the first time, and I really enjoyed it!  Its story is along the lines of Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story, and Grease, except made more enjoyable for children as well. And, a big plus-factor for me: it has a happy ending. (Romeo and Juliet and West Side Story depressed me to no end because of their sad endings, though at least Grease had a good ending--though not exactly what one would expect, but interesting nonetheless.) Although it's a movie probably for a younger audience, I enjoyed it as well because . . . well, who doesn't enjoy a romance in which the protagonists successfully surmount all odds just to be together?

The soundtrack was very much enjoyable to me as well . . . though I at first didn't like the songs when I heard them, and I thought that the cast's singing was far too "teeny" for me to enjoy it, the music really grew on me. So now, I'm even considering buying myself the soundtrack.

And, since we're on the topic of movies . . . I really want to see The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift and The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest! The problem is, Tokyo Drift is finished showing, I think. I missed it! Damn it. And, well, as for Dead Man's Chest . . . it's still coming out next week here in the Philippines, so I'll have to wait. And I'm not even sure if I can watch it next Saturday. Damn it.

Hm . . . another random side note . . . can't wait to watch the Wimbledon match between Federer and Nadal later! And I was waiting all season to see Nadal and Baghdatis face off . . . I'm glad I got to see it happen yesterday. It was everything I hoped it would be. (I like both Nadal and Baghdatis, so I would've been okay with whoever won, though.)

That's about it, I suppose.

I'm off to play Pokémon or something.  Or maybe watch High School Musical again.

I hurt inside.

Because I have a secret that hurts.

It hurts when you want something . . . or someone . . . who you can't have.

I want you to come back and carry me home

Away from these long, lonely nights

I'm reaching for you; are you feeling it too?

Does the feeling seem oh-so-right?

And what would you say if I called on you now

And said that I can't hold on?

There's no easy way; it gets harder each day!

Please love me or I'll be gone; I'll be gone . . .

What are you thinking of ?

What are you thinking of? . . .

I'm all out of love . . . I'm so lost without you. . . .

Well, it's been an interesting week of ups and downs.

I guess I'll start with chronological importance.

I'm running the household now because an emergency has sprung up and both of my parents are out of town, attending to other matters (health issues, actually--don't want to discuss it just yet). It's a bit frightening to be in charge of everything, from the mundane (such as the menu for the day) to the new and intimidating (such taking care of all household expenses). I know that I'll only be doing it for a few days, but it's still a rather intimidating thought. Ah, well.

Classes were suspended last Wednesday afternoon and yesterday due to a strong typhoon that's been ravaging the country. And seeing as how poor my country is in reality, the sights are not palatable. The trail of ruined infrastructures and deaths is most certainly not desirable.

I have makeup class tomorrow, since classes were suspended for one day and a half.

Watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest during the half day that classes were suspended. It was fabulous. Much more complex and exciting than I expected. And the Jack/Elizabeth angle . . . yummy. I won't reveal any more. But suffice it to say I squee-d to no end when I saw the ending. (I always liked Captain Barbossa.) The reappearances of past characters also made the movie so much more delectable.

I'm totally brainwashed by High School Musical. I'm totally loving it. I want to buy the soundtrack.

Just bought the DVD of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe today. I'm excited to watch it over the (limited) weekend.

My secret's out. My friends know who it is I pine for. Oh, God.

And . . . I think that's about it. I wish I could relax today, but I have a quiz to study for tomorrow, so . . . fat chance. Sigh.

That's it. Ta.

Right now, I am totally brainwashed by the song Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield. But . . . I actually have my own version running through my head.

So, the real lines of the song go like this:

Jessie is a friend, yeah,

I know he's been a good friend of mine

But lately something's changed;

that ain't hard to define

Jessie's got himself a girl

and I want to make her mine

And she's watching him with those eyes

And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it

Yeah and he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl,

I wish that I had Jessie's girl

Where can I find a woman like that?

But . . . my lyrics go more along these lines.

Jessie is a friend, yeah,

I know he's been a good friend of mine

But lately something's changed;

that ain't hard to define

Jessie's got himself a girl

though I've wanted him as mine

And he's watching her with those eyes

And he's lovin' her with that body, I just know it

Yeah and he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

You know, I wish that I was Jessie's girl!

I wish that I was Jessie's girl

Where did he find a woman like that?

This farce is dedicated to the man who I currently pine for. God help me.

I have exams. They're stressful.

P.E. today was hellish.

Someone stole my umbrella.

Working at the health center is cool. People think I'm a doctor. But I'm proud to be a student nurse.

I have discovered this new burger joint. It is really yummy there.

It's my friend's 18th birthday today. Since we had exams, we weren't able to celebrate much. But it was still fun to celebrate it in our own little way.

Next Friday is my other friend's birthday. Hopefully we can party then.

I'm falling in love.

Desperate for changing

Starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started

Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you;

Letting go of all I've held onto.

I'm standing here until you make me move;

I'm hanging by a moment here with you.

. . . but I think I need a break. My mind has been turned into pink jelly.

So, to "unjelliefy" my mind, I will answer one of those random surveys that are rife round the internet these days.

1. FIRST NAME? Maria Victoria
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? After my dad, Victor.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Some days ago over something I would rather not discuss.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes, I'm quite proud of it. The only thing I dislike about it is that it takes up too much space.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Spam, probably. Especially with catsup.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I used to keep one, but I stopped writing in it some years ago. Now most of my thoughts go onto the internet.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Isn't it obvious?
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope. They were taken out last year.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yup.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Post's Honey Bunches of Oats!
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope. I just kick them off into a corner.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Excuse me while I laugh.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I like anything with caramel in it or caramel-like flavors, like dulce de leche.

16. SHOE SIZE? 7 to 9.

17. RED OR PINK? Red. But blue pwns you.

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My laziness. (Like I'm supposed to be studying now . . .) 
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The one who's just stolen my heart.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? If they want to.
21. WHAT COLOR OF PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARNING? I'm wearing a dress.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Mutton satay! :D
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of the rain pattering upon my rooftop.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Lapis Lazuli. ;)
25. FAVORITE SMELL? Soap.
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Theresa.

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? The eyes, probably.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No one sent it to me, but I do like the person I got it from.
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Water. Or iced tea.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? I like watching tennis. You were asking about what sport I like to play? . . . After ten years of thinking, perhaps I shall be able to answer . . .
31. EYE COLOR? A lighter shade of brown than most but not too light.
32. HAT SIZE? I haven't the faintest.
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? My eyes are still 20/20, despite the abuse I often put upon them.
34. FAVORITE FOOD? I like lots of food. Harhar. Japanese, Spanish, Filipino, Thai, Indonesian, Italian, French, Chinese, American, Korean, Australian, Fast Food. . . .
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Since I'm far too lily-livered to watch anything as scary as The Ring (which isn't even supposedly scary at all), happy endings are definitely preferable.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Savvy? SQUEE!
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I'm wearing a dress, you repetetive survey.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall! The cusp of spring and summer.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs. But kisses after hugs aren't bad either.
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Fried banana! :D Or ice cream. Or a good cup of iced coffee with whipped cream on top. Or cake.
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Who knows? (cue eerie stalker music) 
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? The ones who are oblivious to the survey.
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Essentials of Anatomy and Physiology by Seeley, Stephens, and Tate; Nursing Practice in the Community: Fourth Edition by Maglaya; and, Community Health Nursing Services in the Philippines by The Department of Health - Philippines.
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? None. I was studying.

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Popcorn in the oven. Sizzling food on the hot plate or sizzling ingredients on a hot pan. Good music. Rain on my rooftop. The quiet hum of the airconditioning and my computer.
47. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? The Beatles, definitely! *points to current layout* I am a modern-day Beatlemaniac! :D Ringo Starr rocks my socks!
48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? I'm not sure if that's New York, Los Angeles, or London.

49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I have special skills. ;) Haha. You decide.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? April 13, 1987, Manila.

51. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I gacked it from Theresa.

52. DO YOU LIKE THE COLOR ORANGE? It's alright. I love blue best.

It's time to study . . .

Wah.

Maglaya, here I come. Oh, snaps to you if you found the allusion to High School Musical. :D

Boredom strikes on a Saturday night

No reason nor rhyme

Just a slip of divine

Tap on the shoulder and fluttering idle flight

Just a slip of the hand

And it's boredom on Saturday

Boredom on Saturday night.

I'm that bored.

And that was crap.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed again today, it seems. I'm annoyed already and it's only the morning.

I'm annoyed because I feel that I can never really have a moment's peace.

I have a group assignment for my online subject in which I am with people who I don't know. I'm annoyed because they, apparently, seem to know each other. Why I am annoyed exactly is because while it is good that they're taking initiative and planning things to be done, I don't like how they exclude those that they don't know. It's a group assignment after all. Damn the teacher who grouped us. Why couldn't she have grouped us with our classmates? I have classmates in the same online course, after all.

Secondly, last afternoon's P.E. fiasco still annoys me. To be more definite about it, my partner would keep getting mad at me when I'd make mistakes, and when he made mistakes, he made it look like it was my fault. Fuck off, you asshole. And another thing that really ticked me off is that when he was asking me to move, he was ordering me around as if I were a belligerent, incompetent child or his dog. I don't like it when people don't respect me. I am really angry, and I swear, if this happens again, I'm probably going to snap.

Fuck it.

Secondly, it seems that even my weekend is going to be full of work. I have something to attend for P.E., exams to take care of in that stupid online course, and maybe even make-up duty in the health center for the time we missed when classes were suspended due to the typhoon.

I have a report today and stuff to do for my friend.

I want a break, damn it.

Fuck it.

Lately life's been a pendulum of sorts.

I've woken up far too often on the wrong side of the bed . . . and slept more often than not on the wrong side of the bed.

I feel lost.

Quid me nutruit, me destruit.

That which nourishes me destroys me.

I want to be held.

Could you bring substance back into my life?

I'm having some last-minute jitters about tomorrow that I just have to voice/write. First time at the OB-Gyne ward and all that. Plus, our next Clinical Instructor (CI) is a terror.

I'm nervous. Whoohoohoo.

But still, I can't wait. :)

Okay, have to go sleep now. I need my rest and my wits about me tomorrow.

Life--or, more specifically, Nursing--has been very tiring recently. It's taking its toll on me, and people are noticing in various ways.

Firstly, my mother says that I have shadows under my eyes and I can barely keep my eyes open as well.

Secondly, related to the first statement, waking up in the morning is getting increasingly hard to do. I always feel sluggish and lethargic during class hours, and I can barely concentrate on my homework in the evenings. I feel drained of energy.

Thirdly, my non-Nursing friends who call on the phone always tell me that I sound exhausted.

Fourthly, I snap at people and get irritated pretty quickly nowadays. I snap at even innocent people and I snap at the people who piss me off. I'm a short fuse to the point that I burst at little things. At least I have some modicum of control and am able to restrain myself enough, but not enough to completely staunch the flow of sharp words from my tongue. And even if I did have enough strength to stop myself from insulting people and totally demolishing them verbally, the feelings of irritation I get during several moments of the day are a burden to endure because it's as if I'm irritated the entire day. At first I thought it was because of the caffeine I was ingesting, but even when I stopped, I was still irritable and snappish. I then realized that my bad temperament is generally a result of the stress I'm undergoing.

I think, to help me assess my feelings and situation better, I will create a list of stressors.

Things that stress me out:

- homework

- things to study for subjects

- things to learn and do as a nurse

- P.E. class

- grades/being grade-conscious

- my online course

- annoying people

- various self-esteem issues

Homework, things to study, my online course, nursing tasks, self-esteem issues, and grades are things I can do something about. I can do my best, take what I can, and try to get my work done as soon as possible without sacrificing quality for speed. These are my stress-minimizing techniques. These things are things that will stay with me until forever, so I might as well minimize my stress because I know I can't fully eliminate it with regards to those aforementioned things.

As for P.E. class and annoying people . . . well, I suppose that these are things to be endured. I can't exactly study for P.E.; I'm a mind-user instead of a body-user, so there's not much I can do there. I'll just have to endure, chin up, counting the days if need be, and doing my best to get what grades I can. Annoying people . . . well, I guess I should just put my tongue in check and/or ignore them.

Then, now dwelling on the positive, I shall make a list of things that make me feel better.

List of things to make me feel better:

- do work as quickly yet as efficiently as possible

- doing a job well-done

- relaxing with friends

- eating

- writing

- reading

- listening to music

- playing games

Since those are my stress-relievers, I should find more time to do those things . . . after, of course, being able to do my work. (Unfortunately my work takes a long time to accomplish. But never mind, at least I know what to do when I have free time.)

Another way of probably relieving my stress is to remember the good things that happened during the day. So, I shall focus on this one good thing that happened today: I got a perfect score in my Anatomy and Physiology practical test!  That is definitely something to be happy about. I got to handle real skeletons today and yesterday, too. It was an interesting experience. Of course, I prayed for the person who was kind enough to donate his or her body to science and to the betterment of society. You rock, dude.

And there . . . I feel slightly better already. Sorting one's feelings is the first step to making things better. The next step, of course, is doing something abou the problem . . . and I'm on my way.

What can I say about how life's been? Well, it can be summarized into one word: hectic. But hey, that's the life of the Student Nurse. And despite my dissatisfaction with my grades, my general state of weariness and lethargy, and my never-ending "things-to-do" list, I still love it. Even when I wonder what the hell I'm doing in this course. (Though, when I look closely enough, I can answer my own question of "what the hell am I doing here?" It's quite simple, really. I'm learning interesting things, helping people achieve a state of health and well-being, setting my future, all at once, and loving it, despite the eye of the needle that I have to squeeze my oftentimes miserable self through. Such a paradox, isn't it? Miserable, and yet pleased with myself when the day is done--provided that I know I did a good job. So the trick there is to do as best a job as I can as often as possible. That way, I go to sleep happy. And this is a very long afterthought.)

The OB-Gyne ward is cool. Haven't had much exposure yet, but from what I've seen of it, it's alright. Am all studied-up about the puerperium.

P.E.'s getting better now. :)

I have an Anatomy and Physiology pratical exam to study for regarding the muscular system. If only my neurotransmitters would work properly. I feel as slow as a car caught in the rush hour--which, in the Philippines, means a fifteen minute drive taking two to four hours.

I also have a quiz for Community Health Nursing tomorrow. Guh. Must study for that too.

And, I have a debate to do for English, and I have to get started on my speech. I've actually written the first part (or the first sentence, to be honest), and I'm quite hesitant because the topic is quite extreme . . . and it's something I don't approve of (well, one part of it). It's hard to write a speech about the pros of something that you yourself don't like. But hey, that's debate. You have to be ruthless and merciless, even to your own values and stands.

I've noticed recently that I have a habit of writing essays in my head. Too bad I never actually remember most of them later on.

I've also realized that Nursing has become my life. Well, that's fine. It was inevitable, anyway. I've seen it happen to my brother, so I'm not surprised that it's happened to me as well.

Alright, I think I should get my befuddled mind working now. The promise of caffeine is so tempting . . . but no. I'm abstaining from caffeine. At least for a little. I can't afford to get all snappish again.

Oh, and on a very random side note . . . I met someone new. He's cute, too. And I just so happened to catch him looking at me several times today before we were finally introduced at the end of the day.

Hm.

Oh, well.

Oh, I have a new personal quote: a little bit of work today means less work for tomorrow! In other words, try not to procrastinate too much (I won't say "at all" because hey, that's impossible to do!).

Ta!

I cried today. Just a few tears. Just had to release some extra stress that's been building up inside. I feel better now. It was a small catharsis, in a way.

I have a quiz in Community Health Nursing tomorrow and I feel too tired to study.

I have a debate tomorrow and I feel only half-ready.

I only got an 18/20 in my Anatomy and Physiology practical exam regarding the muscular system when I know I could've perfected it.

I'm frustrated, aggravated, and antsy.

Thank God tomorrow's Friday.

On a more pleasant side note . . . My group got highest in our Theology presentation today (99%).

And . . .

I saw him.

He looked so damn sexy today my jaw quite literally dropped.

If only he was attainable.

Maybe in the next few years?

It is once again Saturday night, and here I am once again before the computer, the words flowing from my mind and into my fingers to be translated by the keys into the words that I spin, on and on and endless, paragons and poetry and prayers. The brocade stretches out before me, with its metaphors and its foreshadows and its interwoven threads both a paradox and a testimony to one another.

The question is . . . why am I here? Spinning pretty phrases and idle words on a deadly spool, its sharp blade gleaming at me with an unholy light?

Many a night have I sat lethargic and idle before an empty screen, nonsensical words of philosphy itching to flow from my mouth and my gyri and sulci into the blank white parchment that is so begging to be brought to perfection with the script of ambling thought.

Why is it that even as my body seeks the release of the tension of a grueling week's work, my soul itches to dance along silver-limned fields and to lie cocooned in silken sheets underneath a gossamer canopy and to seek refuge in the forgotten castles and manors of old?

This, my friends, is wanderlust.

The kind in which my feet long to travel and to traverse new roads. The kind in which it is my mind and my spirit that seek an adventure. They are those that wish to stretch their wings and to take flight, to soar into a bejeweled sky bright with the blaze of a thousand suns and dark with the promise of eternity.

And yet, I am in a cage--the cage that is my body and this time.

I long for the crystalline skies of languages lost and kings brought to dust and ash. I long for the relics of the ancients. I long for the remnants of forgotten empires that have been trampled into what is forgotten and tucked into memory. I long to be set free.

Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in?

--Grima Wormtongue, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

There're just some days when you wish you could go back to the way things were, even for just a while.

But when you try to, you know that you can't. As much as you long for it.

I guess I just have to accept that things change--have been changing, and will keep changing, actually.

What happened to my world while I was looking elsewhere?

Well, it seemed inevitable that the stress of my lifestyle would finally catch up to me, and catch up to me it did--with a vengeance. Last Monday, I was rushed to the ER because of an asthma attack. I actually felt it coming; written on my previous entry last Sunday was the account of a mild asthma attack. Anyway, I'm on medication now, and while it's still hard to breathe, I seem to be slightly improving. I hate being sick.

It's exams week right now. Guh. I should be studying but I'm tired and my asthma medicine makes me lethargic. But still, I'll get to it in a while.

Fought with my mom last night. I don't want to discuss it anymore, and while I could see her point, I wish she could see mine as well. That's the problem with her; when we're fighting, she immediately takes the standpoint of "old and wise parent," while I'm immediately "daughter who doesn't know shit."  Anyway, we're okay now, although when I think about our fight it still pisses me off.

In relation to our fight; my response: I feel like I live in a cage. It's gilded, and bejeweled with rubies, emeralds, diamonds, and pearls, but it's a cage nevertheless--a trap into which I was born by virtue of circumstance. Still, while I would rather have this cage then to have emptiness to come home to--a bit of something is better than a lot of nothing--and while I know that I'm actually fortunate to have this cage (others don't have anything)--it still pains me that I cannot fully stretch my wingspan. Oscar Wilde said, "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Well, some perhaps may reach the stars through their own endeavors; and some, like me, are perhaps destined to stay where we are--trammeled in our cage.

I don't want to dwell on it anymore. If only it would stop haunting me.

On a pleasanter side note, while traveling to the hospital last Monday for our rounds, I heard a song come up on the radio and I haven't managed to get it out of my head!

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough . . .

Yesterday, a typhoon named Milenyo (internationally known as Xangsane) ravaged Metro Manila at the speed of 130 kph. Classes were declared suspended until today. I was safe here at home, but I watched the winds outside rip trees off the ground. Now, the winds and rains have stopped, although the sky remains cloudy, and the aftermath isn't so bad over here where I am--the worst part of it for me was the power outage, which lasted for one entire day. However, I know that the damage elsewhere is severe: there've been quite a number of casualties due to floods, fires, and flying debris such as billboards, trees, and even cars. There was even a man who died because his wall caved in on him.

It is truly frightening to see the fury of nature.

During the rest of the previous week, before the onset of the typhoon, I was terribly busy with numerous projects and activities. That's all I can say, really. The finals are coming up in two weeks. To be honest, I can't wait; I just want to have them over and done with so that I can finally have my deserved semestral break and finally attend my Capping and Pinning Ceremony at the start of the new semester. Once I have that cap, I'll become a full-fledged Student Nurse intern! But then, I'm jumping ahead of myself. I have to surmount the finals first. Good God.

Oh, but before I forget, I had a great time last Saturday with my friends, celebrating yet another of our birthdays. The celebration was held in the celebrant's house. We had Starbucks, ate a lot, played Taboo, and probably scared the neighbors with our mad karaoke skills. Oh, and that was the memorable day in which we invented the epic of the genie residing in the crimson paper made by blind Japanese monks living in Mt. Huku-Huku (which is invisible) and is stained with the blood of the Himalayan virgin priestesses from Mt. Kilamanjaro. And it is said that to unleash the genie, one must rub the words "Huku-Huku" 2000 times, counting after each one, after which the person must recite an incantation, which is found in one of the pages of the sacred book wrapped in the special crimson paper. The incantation is invisible, and can only be read on Mt. Huku-Huku itself. Now, I could go on telling you the entire story, including how it actually came about, but I'd take up an hour typing it, so I'll leave you with that interesting tidbit.

And that's about it, really.

Quick update on my life:

1.) It's finals week next week. I really have to make sure to study very well. I need to get as high grades as I can.

2.) The semestral break's after the finals. I'm so excited! Whoo-hoo!

3.) I bought new music yesterday. I am in love with Annie's Song by John Denver. And, of course, heard an old favorite--Scarborough Fair.

4.) A friend's 18th birthday is coming up. She's throwing a big debut party, and I'm part of the entourage. I have to have a gown made, and soon. I'm thinking simple, but elegant: black with lace, two-piece gown with a corset-type bodice, off shoulder. Hm.

5.) I have a mission that I have to fulfill by the end of this year. And to be able to do so, I have to draw out all sexiness and seductiveness I possess.  Wish me luck.

6.) He's testing my intellect. French and musicals? Mmm.

7.) I want a haircut. My hair's terrible now.

8.) I bought nail polish yesterday, and I'm quite thrilled by the new colors I found. It's been a while since I've had time or motivation to be vain, and now that sem break's coming, I feel like taking advantage of the extra time I have so that I can primp again. :) Come on; after a semester of taking care of patients, making Nursing Care Plans, giving vaccines and medicines, studying in depth the anatomy of the human body, and memorizing all sorts of cocci and bacilli, I deserve some time to just relax and primp. *g*

9.) I want to make a new layout.

10.) I have wanderlust of the soul again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

I feel terrible.

I feel stupid.

I feel like I could really hate myself right now.

In fact . . .

I do hate myself right now.

Please don't ask why.

My problem is semi-solved, for which I am happy. Thank you, God.

I got a haircut today! I couldn't wait until Friday, so I rushed into it today. I'm quite satisfied with the results. :) I had a hair spa treatment done, too, and it came with a massage. Mmm. I'm already pampering myself, and I haven't even taken my last final exam yet.

The invitation for my friend's 18th debut party has been issued, and the attire is formal. My gown's perfect, then.

You and I need to hook up, baby.

My brother bought me a B.S. Nursing shirt! It's so nice. Nurses call the shots; nurses can take the pressure!

I'm so excited for the semestral break! I have a list of things to do, a list of stuff to buy, a list of places to go, a list of people to meet . . . For once, a time in my life in which lists are not unpleasant!

Alright, I'm signing off for now . . . I have to study for my last exam tomorrow.

My last finals exam!

Whoo-hoo!

The life of a Student Nurse is not easy. In between going on the set hospital rounds, administering vaccines to squalling babies, and making Nursing Care Plans, the Student Nurse has to study subjects such as Microbiology-Parasitology, Anatomy and Physiology, Pharmacology, and many more.

However, I'm putting that behind me today. Why? It's the semestral break!

And to celebrate, I went on a major shopping spree yesterday and bought myself many sundry and delightful things, from a cute striped shirt in shades of pink and light green to a pair of dominatrix stiletto pumps made of black velvet. Ah, there really is nothing like shopping to get one's mind off of the troubles long gone.

Then, today, I spent the entire day just relaxing, playing Command and Conquer - Generals Zero:Hour, and afterwards painting my nails a dainty shade of pink. (Yes, I have noticed how ironic my person is . . . Haha!)

And the best part is, I'm going out tomorrow to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday, and I've got the entire week and a large part of the sem break fully booked with social events and activities. I'm also very excited for this coming Friday (October 20th) because my friends and I are going out to have dinner, after which we will go clubbing.

Oh, how I plan to enjoy sem break. Cheers!

Enrollment took place yesterday. Well, it was your usual grueling ordeal--hours of waiting in line for a process that takes all of fifteen minutes. I'm glad it's over. The highlight of the day was of course, meeting up with my friends and many other classmates.

I've also gotten my schedule, which I do not like very much: 7 AM - 4 PM during Mondays and Tuesdays, and 7 AM - 6 PM (with hospital duty from 12 NN - 6 PM) on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Fridays are free days. Or they would have been, had they not been dedicated to P.E.. Football, 7 AM - 9 AM. At least I'm with Just, Pao, and some other classmates. One thing of interest, though, is that those with me will witness my astounding physical prowess--which will probably manifest itself in the way I so gracefully trip all over myself while chasing down the ball. Ah, yes. Something to look forward to.

A random thought: I used the word "grueling" in the second sentence of my first paragraph, and I just had to think about its etymology. Gruel is a thin, watery porridge--otherwise known as lugaw in vernacular. So when something is grueling, does that mean that this grueling thing has the ability to reduce you into nothing but lugaw?

Anyway, moving on. I also had got my grades yesterday. But before I get to the verdict about my grades, the process of getting my grades is a far more interesting story. Just and I waited in line to get our grades; we arrived at 11:30 in the morning . . . and left at past 2 in the afternoon. That was because people ahead of us were getting grades not just for themselves but probably for entire goddamn battalions as well. The entire process took so long and was just so tiresome . . . mostly because a lot of people were very inconsiderate about those in line behind them.

The guy behind me said some memorable things that day in his fits of anger, one of which was: "Siguro nagrorosaryo muna sila bago nila kunin yung grades nila."

Well, I loved his dry humor. It certainly took a bit off the edge of waiting endlessly in line.

In between fits of rage and exasperation, I amused myself--or tried to, anyway--with many sundry and mundane things, such as surfing the internet through my phone and taking pictures.

And finally, as for the grades themselves? Well, I'm very pleased with them. :) That's all I shall say about the matter.

That concludes the update on my life.

I'm going to that Capping and Pinning Ceremony! Whoo-hoo!

Well, school starts on November 6. That's this coming Monday.

I don't want to go to school yet! Can't I at least have one more week of sem break? :(

Sigh.

Oh, I watched Meteor Garden all over again. I still ♥ it.

I watched Disney's Atlantis. Not bad. I enjoyed it.

Since when did I turn away from the things I love most?

Since when did I choose to live in the real world?

Since when did I choose to grow up?

Since when did I stop daring to dream?

1.) I have been capped. I'm very pleased about that.

2.) I've witnessed two deliveries. One mother had twin boys, and the other had one baby boy. It was thrilling. I'm so glad to be able to be a part of the miracle of life.

3.) I just recently attended two friends' 18th birthdays, and many have said on both occasions that I looked stunning. I'm quite happy about that.

Moving on to current events . . .

My ankle feels sprained. I don't know where I got it, but it hurts when I put weight on it. I hope that it goes away soon.

I feel like writing. I have the urge and it won't go away. It's like an itch that I can't scratch.

I had a fight with my mom last night. It was rather shallow, but it ended with her telling me that if I didn't want to respect her anymore, I should just leave the house. I actually do respect her--she just sometimes makes a fuss out of things she puts extra meaning into. Anyway, based on previous experience, at this point in time, we should be okay again . . . the thing is, I'm finding it really difficult to warm up to her again. Not because I'm still angry or spiteful . . . I really just don't know. A part of me feels that if she doesn't want me to say anything she finds disrespectful, maybe I should just shut up altogether. And right now, that's what I'm doing. I only talk to her when it's important, and I minimize the amount of words I speak. I don't do it maliciously or bitterly--just matter-of-factly. No talk, no mistake, so to speak. I'm not angry or hateful or vengeful. I just feel . . . numb towards her right now. And I don't want to care about what she thinks about the situation.

Whatever.

I have work to do. I'll get to it in a while.

I've long been waiting for this day.

The day in which I would come across a patient's condition and cry.

The day in which Nursing would test my faith, my beliefs, my values, and my strength.

It has happened.

Stop being such a drama queen.

I have no time nor patience for your histrionics.

I really have a lot on my mind right now, and I don't feel quite well emotionally, but I could be a lot worse.

There're just some things about my current circumstances that are bothering me.

First of all . . . that patient I saw last Wednesday. I'm slowly beginning to get over the shock of what I'd seen, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet, if ever I shall talk about it here. Suffice it to say that her circumstances jarred me to the core, and I found myself soon afterwards rethinking about my beliefs, my morality, my strength . . . and whether or not I could be a good nurse to her, especially since at that point in time, I loathed her so much. But I chose to deal with her as I would any patient, with the efficiency and aplomb expected of me. I have now decided that while what I saw was not a pleasant sight, I will assimilate it to make me a better nurse. How? First of all, in seeing what I saw, I won't be shocked anymore if I see it again; thus, witnessing such an event will make me a stronger nurse and a braver person. Secondly, it made me realize that as I nurse, I have to give impartial care; I have to tend to those who are ill, whether or not my personal beliefs get in the way, because that is my job. I save lives. Thirdly, the incident made me reevaluate my beliefs and made my stand in life clearer. Anything that makes one's resolve stronger is good for them, and so, I will take the incident as something positive to help me root deeper into my morals and values.

Second . . . the atmosphere here at home is very strained, because we are all quarelling with each other. My mom and I are fighting--or rather, we fought--again--and I don't know what to do anymore. She has this habit of misconstruing things, putting words in your mouth, blowing things out of proportion, and interpreting your words and actions in her own way without taking into consideration how you meant your words and actions to be. This has always been her problem, and the entire family agrees--that would be my dad, my brother, and myself. Arguing with my mother usually means having a one-sided conversation, simply because she only hears what she wants to hear, sees what she wants to see, and interprets that data in such a way that you are always the one at fault. It is quite tiresome because she never sees your side of the argument. And when I shut up because I don't want to offend her anymore and hurt myself anymore, she takes that as a sign of disrespect and tells me that I should get out of the house.

And you know what? If I could leave the house right now, perhaps I would. I've been constructing all sorts of flights and escapes in my head, ranging from simply sleeping over at a friend's house without informing anyone to taking a flight to my dad, who's across the country on business. I've even wondered (bitterly) if somehow I died on the way to escape, how would she react? But of course, I'm not suicidal nor masochistic. I'm more emotionally stable than that. (Otherwise, how could I be a good nurse?) I won't be killing myself or hurting myself anytime soon. It just makes me wonder how she'd react if she lost me and her last words were "maghiwalay nalang tayo" ("maybe we should just part ways"), and over a petty argument at that. Yes, I do think that what we are fighting about is petty. But since she can't see my side of it, she just makes it bigger and bigger. Like I said, she blows things out of proportion. I don't know what to say to her anymore, and yet, if I stay quiet, she'll snap again.

I really don't know what to do with her anymore.

Lastly, I just have so much work to do for university, and I'm getting tired. Projects and reports here and there, several quizzes in one day (we expect two a day, and that's the minimum--as for the maximum number, sky's the limit, because my teachers have a habit of giving several quizzes for one subject) . . . put that on top of our hospital rounds. I feel battered, emotionally, psychologically, and physically . . . but hey, I chose this course. I chose this life. And I'm living it. I've done too much, seen too much . . . I can't turn back now.

As Frodo said in the movie of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: 

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?

I could never leave Nursing now. I love it with a passion, and to turn around now means to desert everything I've fought for and everything I believe in.

So I guess despite how much I whinge, and despite how tired I am . . . I'll keep going, for the reason that love keeps me going, and because I've fought too much, and held on for too long, to just turn around and walk away.

Well, I guess that's life. It takes you by storm. And you have no choice then but to hold on or be lost forever.

That's my catharsis for today.

Good luck to me. And here's to the boatman. Cheers.

In my entire 19 years of existence, when asked what my favorite movies are, I would always answer, "The Back to the Future trilogy!" without hesitation.

Now, I find that my favorite trilogy may actually be sharing a spot at the top!

That is because upon evaluation, I have seen that I love love love Pirates of the Caribbean, both The Curse of the Black Pearl and Dead Man's Chest. Why? Because both are exceptionally wonderful brews of history, literature, and mythology placed into one--or rather, two, soon to be three--amazing films with great plot, great intrigue, and a storyline with just the right balance of fact, myth, and fiction. Plus, it's a movie that makes me think. And it's got a fabulous sountrack. And most of the men are hot. Delicious.

So . . . if Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End is going to be as spectacularly mind-boggling and fantastic . . .

The Pirates trilogy will definitely make it to the top spot of my favorite movies, along with my original Back to the Future trilogy.

I'm so excited!

Come to think of it, okay. I will ask myself again:

What are you favorite movies?

My answer now is:

"Why, the Back to the Future trilogy and the two existing Pirates of the Caribbean movies!"

Wait . . . actually, let me make an addition to that that I also just recently realized.

"Why, the Back to the Future trilogy, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the two existing Pirates of the Caribbean movies!"

Hopefully At Worlds End will make it to the list, though I'm pretty sure it will.

Yay!

Well, I was playing Command and Conquer Generals Zero:Hour just a few minutes ago, but was suddenly seized by the urge to write--so here I am, just doing a quick update on my life without anything particularly too relevant or exciting to share. *grin*

My shift at the delivery room ended yesterday, much to my dismay; I truly had a spectacular time there. I learned a lot and grew a lot as a person while I was there, not just because of my new knowledge and experience, but also because I learned more about my values, my beliefs, and my strength as a person during this shift. How? Well, first of all, the first exposure to all the blood and gore of the delivery room is something that a lot of people can't handle, and I am proud to be one of those who stood my ground. (Three student nurses fainted at the sight of the birthing--and a normal delivery at that. I was able to keep my cool when first faced with both the normal delivery and the cesarean section. Yeah, baby.) Secondly, while there, I was faced with a moral dilemma, both indirectly and directly involving me. And I'm proud to say that I stood up to the challenge.

In addition, I loved staying in the delivery ward because I loved my clinical instructor. And, I also grew closer to my teammates (RLE-mates) while there. It was truly a wonderful experience. I'm kind of sad that it's over, but that's alright. I'm sure that I'll be learning more and growing more as I move through other areas of the hospital. :)

Moving on . . .

I was approached by a guy--also a fellow student nurse--some days past. I was sitting on a bench with a friend outside his classroom while on break, and his friend was seated beside me. He first came up to banter with his friend. I generally ignored him, being busy with my cellphone. I was sending an SMS message when he finally came up to me and said:

"Hey, that's a nice phone. That's really cool."

Granted, it wasn't the worst pick-up line I'd heard, but it wasn't one of the best either.

"Thanks," I said, with a rather wry smile I suppose, and just went back to my text messages.

He started talking to his friend, and at the same time playing with a syringe. (He probably had to bring one for his shift. It's been a while since I had to bring syringes to my hospital ward, but apparently, we still need them at one point or another.) His friend asked him why the hell he was playing with his syringe, and he burst out, "This is my syringe!" all the while brandishing it like a sword. "This is my syringe! Mine! With it I shall . . ."

And, seeing as he could come up with nothing witty, abruptly changed tack and said, "I smoke! I smoke with this 3cc syringe!"

I must've died laughing inside, although I still pretended not to mind him. (He just had to be specific about the measurement of the syringe . . .)

Suddenly he looked at me and asked, "Do you smoke?"

I said, plainly and simply, "No." And resisted the urge to add, and if I did smoke, I wouldn't do it with a 3cc syringe.

His friend then decided to tell me not to mind him, as he was annoying. I told him, "Well, thanks for warning me in advance."

The guy in question then suddenly started stuttering and asking his friend to defend him. "What are you going to say to that?"

At that point in time, my friend and I got up and started on our way. He was still stuttering when I said goodbye. And I heard his forlorn "bye" just seconds before my friend and I burst into riots of laughter. Oh, we may have been a bit mean, but hey. There's a lesson to be learned here.

Guys, if you want to have a decent conversation with a girl, don't say silly things as your opening line. And when you find yourself rapidly descending on a downward spiral of embarrassing remarks and periods of awkward silence, gather your thoughts a moment before proceeding. That would be the time to ensure that you had all your wits about you.

That's about it. ;)

Ta!

I miss writing.

Today is just one of those days in which I miss the old life I had.

It's days like this that make me realize how much I'd changed.

. . .

I want to write again. And I will.

Just finished my lesson plans for my education subject. I swear, this subject gives me more headaches than any of my Nursing subjects (although admittedly, the competition is very close). I found it kind of funny that while I was working on the lesson plans, one of the songs playing on my CD was Another Brick in the Wall Part II by Pink Floyd. The ironies of life.

I have P.E. tomorrow. Soccer. God save us.

Unfortunately, I also have a make-up class tomorrow for Pediatrics. I really wish I didn't.

I want Christmas break.

I hate being sick.

More than that, though: I hate being sickly.

I have three major exams tomorrow, and I haven't studied a bit because of the flu. I've only started to semi-recover now. The fever hasn't made an appearance for a day, thank God, although my body (particularly my joints and my head) still hurt. I still feel nauseated though, and thus can't eat much yet (only light soups mostly, and perhaps bits of bread and meat--anything heavier would cause me to vomit). This'll be a problem tomorrow at school, I'm sure. Plus, the vertigo due to the phlegm in my head comes once in a while, particularly when I make sudden movements.

How am I going to survive tomorrow?

I want Christmas break.

I've finally recovered from my rather nasty bout of flu, thank goodness. I was pretty much down for the count for a while there. I'm just glad that I'm on my way to full recovery (and before Christmas, too).

Lately, I've been re-watching my anime DVD collections--I've just finished watching Rurouni Kenshin, and I'm now watching Get Backers. I've really missed watching anime. I'd forgotten how wonderfully brilliant Rurouni Kenshin is. I remember now why it's one of my favorite anime series. As for Get Backers, I'm enjoying it again as well. I love the complexity of the plot and the complexity of the characters both in Rurouni Kenshin and in Get Backers.

A friend of mine told me that he bought me the entire series of Ranma 1/2! Is that possible? There're 100+ episodes in the entire series, and he bought me all the DVD's? I'm not complaining; it's just that I'm appalled that he would go to such lengths to give me a Christmas gift---when in fact he'd given me one already. (I asked him to inquire about the price of the DVD's, not to buy them. *sigh* Well, it was very sweet of him. I just can't help but wonder in shock if he really bought the whole series--and not just one or two seasons.)

I still want to write some more. I feel like I'm getting rusty! I need to practice.

And, in relation to writing (which is reading), I read the newspaper today and saw that J.K. Rowling's revealed the title of the 7th book in the Harry Potter series: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I'm very interested in seeing what will happen next, although I wait with bated breath, because J.K. Rowling has revealed that more major character deaths will follow. I really don't want to read of the death of any of my favorite characters (and that would be Ron, Hermione, and Draco). There are rumors and speculation that J.K. might kill Harry off, which I really don't want to happen--it would really spoil my liking for the entire series if the hero were to die in the end.

Seems like a lot of my old fandoms have been coming to haunt me recently . . . Hmm . . .

It's Christmas eve tomorrow! Can't wait. :)

Well, it was my dad's 63rd birthday today. We had a big party, and it was a blast. Lots of good food, good booze, and a new Magic Sing (karaoke equipment). What more could one ask for? *grin*

Hm. Sometimes I wish I were more outgoing, though. I mean, I am outgoing, but only during certain times. I wish it wasn't selective.

Still, I had a good time tonight. :)

It's time to go back to school tomorrow. My bags are packed--scrub suit and paraphernalia at the ready, books and notebooks safely secured and tucked into their proper places. Technically, I should be prepared for classes tomorrow. However, it doesn't feel that way. My things are ready, but I'm not! I wish that vacation wasn't over yet!

Well, what a wonderful way to start the year--being lazy and pessimistic, that is. Snerk.

Unfortunately, I can't help but dread school because I knew that the hell months are coming up. What with the pending Nutrition projects, Literacy Training Service outreaches, murderous shifts, and what have you on top of our usual daily grind--suffice it to say that I need my Recommended Daily Allowance of carbs and proteins with a good dose of supplemental vitamins to keep me going.

I wish I could say, "At least I only have three months of school left!" Unfortunately, that is not the case. Those three remaining months will actually be the cause of our excessive stress. The professors will cram everything we have to know into those three scant months--I've seen it happen before, and I figure it'll come again. Sigh. Well, never mind; at least there are only three months of school left. I shall just have to keep a stiff upper lip.

On a brighter note, Christmas vacation was great. Parties everywhere! :) I cannot count how many times I was fed lechon during the numerous parties! My dad just turned 63 as well, and we had a great bash held at our place. We came to know of the wonder and the horror that is Magic Sing. ;)

I also got to write again this break, for which I'm thankful. I'm still a bit rusty, but I'm beginning to (hopefully) pick up from where I left off. It's just too bad that now that I've gotten into the groove again, it's time to go back to school. Wait, I'm dampening my own spirits here.

I was also able to re-view my favorite anime. Ureshii. :) I'm receiving Ranma 1/2 from my friend soon too! Yay!

I also received a number of very lovely gifts this Christmas! Thanks to everyone who was so kind as to give me some really great presents. :) In fact, I have a book review coming up of After the Quake by Haruki Murakami, which was given to me by my good friend. It was a really riveting read. (Hey, an alliteration!)

New Year was fantastic as well. On December 31st, my family and I just stayed up, watched movies and drank and ate all night, then went out to light our fireworks and to watch the fantabulous display of firecrackers filling the rest of the night sky. The next day, we had a small get-together at my aunt's house in which I ate some more and played with my all-too-charming nieces.

It sort of makes me sad that New Year means that I'm going to turn one year older as well. I'm leaving my teenage years, much to my chagrin. While I do have a few resolutions, I suppose that the first on my list is to just have fun--as much as I can, anyway. I'm turning twenty, and I'm beginning to feel the pressures of adulthood from both my family and from the academic setting. So, while this year will mark the start of something new for me, I want to maximize what fun I can have while still being responsible.

As for the other resolutions . . . I'm just keeping those to myself for a while. ;)

Concerning the season, there are a few regrets, but one that bothers me the most is probably that I was unable to meet up with my high school friends during the Christmas break. Our schedules just didn't seem to coincide. Well, at least we kept in touch. Hopefully we can meet up soon.

Well, I wish that I could sleep late tonight, just writing away--yes, I feel like writing now, much to my utter joy and pleasure--but it seems that that is not meant to be. School beckons. So, looks like I'll be turning in in a while.

Belated Happy New Year!

These past few days of school have been murderous. I don't know if it's because I'm still in vacation-mode or simply because there's just been an excessive amount of work. Perhaps it's a mix of both.

For starters, the first day of school already had duty in the Nursery, in which the highlight was when we performed cord care on the neonates. Then, we were informed of our impending workload. A case presentation, a pre-test on infancy, and twelve hours of straight duty during our weekend. I went home battered that day, but it still wasn't so bad; I still had time to stop over a friend's house and to chat a bit.

Thursday . . . well, suffice it to say that it was carnage. Hospital duty was fine . . . except that we were scolded probably every waking moment. There were only eight out of ten of our complete attendance that day, and we were divided into two groups of four in handling various assignments. Unfortunately, my group couldn't seem to comprehend or to execute anything to our professor's satisfaction. In the end, we were told to just sit there because we couldn't do anything right. It was heartbreaking. But there was some good news; instead of having our make-up duty during the weekend, our professor moved it to Friday. We thought it would be a relief.

Unfortunately not.

Friday was the day that killed me. I tripped and sprained my ankle walking to lunch (and not even playing football, which was my P.E. that morning), I forgot my white shoes and had them sent over, only to recover them in the nick of time, almost having myself run over in my haste to fetch them. Nothing in duty seemed to go right. And my classmate revealed a secret about me to my professor that I really did not want her to know.

Goddamn it.

But, that wasn't the end of it.

I had a Nutrition project to finish during Saturday. The first part of it was pretty disappointing because of the location, and so was the middle because my friend suddenly went into dysmenorrhea of catastrophic proportions. The latter was nice, though. Spending time with my RLE group is always a pleasant experience, even though we are battered and bruised together.

Sunday was dedicated to going to my area in LTS to teach our student. Fate wasn't finished with me yet. Me and two of my other friends ended up assigned to a higher year level, so the lesson plans that we slaved away on turned out to be useless. So, that's more to my workload.

Yesterday. Well. The abysmal scores of my monthly exams were enough to make it horrible (except for one test--English--in which I scored second highest in class).

And today. I'm glad it's the Feast of the Black Nazarene today, or else I would've still had class.

Unfortunately, I have lots to do. And I'm tired already. And it's just the first few days of school.

I want to write.

My aunt's in the hospital. I'm praying for her.

Where is summer?

No rest for the weary.

I really should be finishing my Nutrition project right now, but it's been a while since I've documented my thoughts, and so, I think that I should take this opportunity to do so once again. I've always been thinking and starting prospective entries in my head, but I've never had the time to finish them.

Life, as of late, has been a whirlwind of activity. Once again it has succumbed into the routine of sleep, wake up, go to school, study, eat, go on hospital rounds, go home, eat, study some more, sleep. My weekends have also been full as of late, occupied with various school activities. Suffice it to say, I haven't had a decent day's rest for a month. Save yesterday, which I dedicated to watching TV--which, in all honesty, I meant to dedicate to all the things I have to accomplish for tomorrow. Now, I wonder if I'd made the right decision by procrastinating yesterday and piling up all my work for today.

Well, all I can say is that hey, I need the damn break too.

In all honesty, I am tired.

All that's keeping me sane right now are my friends, the rare parties that I actually get to attend, and, of course, Ranma 1/2. I need a break from real life too! Thanks, Joemel, for giving me such a wonderful Christmas present. I try to watch it as often as I can because first of all, it's been a while since I've enjoyed an anime series. Second, as I've mentioned, I need a break from real life!

In light of that, and in an entirely different light altogether, I've been thinking . . . What stage am I in Erick Erickson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development? Most adolescents and young adults at this age are either at Role Identity vs. Role Confusion, or at Intimacy vs. Isolation, or both. In my case, I've given this much thought. I'm definitely no longer in the Role Identity vs. Role Confusion Stage; in fact, I've probably left it several years ago. I'm sure of what I want in life, sure of where I'm going, sure of my goals and ambitions, and pretty much sure of my resources and strengths, as well as my weaknesses. Of course, the questions come once in a while, but they don't plague me as much as they do other people. The next stage then, in the proper order of things, would be Intimacy vs. Isolation. And, I suppose that it's really where I am. While I don't find myself actively searching for a boyfriend, a fiance, and most definitely not a spouse, I suppose that I have to acknowledge the part of me that is searching. While I have no prospects as of late, and I'm perfectly happy being single, I have to acknowledge that at some point, I'll be unhappy being single. I ask myself, what will I do when that time comes?

Oh, well. Better to cross that bridge when it comes.

As of now, I'm happy being single and free.

Question is, when will I start being unhappy?

Hopefully, not anytime soon.

I wonder, what with Valentine's Day just round the corner . . .

I have lots to do. It's prelims week.

CHN requirements.

Pediatrics quiz.

Nutrition and English preliminary exams.

Wah.

I don't like OAV's.

Just came from a party last night. It was fun. :) After my stress-ridden week and totally catastrophic Friday, I was glad that at least Saturday was enjoyable. I got to meet up with some of my high school friends again. It's always great to see them.

There were a few undesirable incidents that happened that night, but otherwise, it was still fun.

I met someone new, but then, my friend likes him as well (and she liked him first), so there's not much I can do there. Might as well give up on him already (romantically anyway). And I'm probably not going to see him again anyway, since he's from another university and our courses are two entirely different worlds. Too bad. We had our moments. I knew he kind of liked me. (That groan when I joked about porn starring me was a givaway.) Oh, well. That's life. Besides, I already have a guy (codename SB) in my horizon.  (Sour grapes? Only half. )

And there was this guy--former acquaintance--who was unmistakably cute, but far too wholesome for me. (Sour grapes? Yes. Totally.)

Valentines' Day blues are rapidly approaching. What to do, oh, what to do?

In my mind, I can't believe it's true,

But in my heart, the reality is you.

So many and yet so little to say.

It's finally summer over here, and I am enjoying my last summer vacation in my teenage existence. Why? First of all, next summer break for me will not be a break at all--it will be filled to the brim with hospital duty. Secondly, this is my last year--in fact, my last few days--as a teenager. Good God. The big two-zero.

So, I've been spending my days doing the usual: watching T.V., going online, playing my various video games, spending time with friends and family, going clubbing, et cetera. Haven't written or read anything new yet, so that's on my to-do list, as well as to go swimming. Hopefully by next week.

I have no romance in my life, but hey, is that really surprising?

Okay, moving on from my temporary pity-fest.

God, this coffee's potent. Harhar.

I'm hormonally-charged and caffeine-drugged. I can't believe this.

When the fuck will you finally tell me that you like me?

When the hell willl I finally be desirable enough?

I miss photoshop.

I miss flirting. (Though I just did two days ago with some random singer whose name I don't even know. Too bad; I wasn't even really there to watch his show.)

The sound of my keyboard as I patter away on the keys is somehow hypnotic. I could listen to this sound for forever. Haha.

I'll stop writing now, as I have nothing relevant or interesting to say.

I want to go swimming.

I want new makeup from Marks and Spencer.

Okay, stop.